Best Christmas Gifts Ever!

Merry Christmas.

I hope you all had a merry Christmas, or a very happy December 25. The spirit of the holiday season is all about giving, spending time with loved ones, and wondering why I'm still sweating and miserable in Florida in winter. As I become an older bird, I have fewer gifts under the Festivus pole each year, which is okay since I can buy things I need as an adult. Still, it's nice to receive a few thoughtful gifts to rip open on Christmas morning, and I'll share a few of my favorites from 2015.

Local Celebs at The Friday's!

My theme for this year has been big comebacks and big hiatuses. For the hiatuses, I'm sorry. No one is more disappointed than me. For the comebacks, you're welcome! I accept "thank you" cards and gifts. As I write this after another brief absence, I can't expect many gifts, but maybe I can pray for a like or a comment. I'll even ask for a share if it doesn't come across as greedy.

Reserved Friday's patio seating.

This bird recently joined a different group of Hens on Ice for a Christmas show. We stay in one place for 2 months, so it offers a different dynamic than traveling to a new city each week. One pro (and con) with that is getting to become true locals at the local hot spots, like the TGI Friday's.

Usually referred to as "The Friday's," a group of us hens flap there most nights after work, as it's across the street and has an unbeatable late night happy hour. But in the countless mornings that I wake up in a not-so-happy hour haze, I reflect on another night that at least one of us (usually me) has been a true fool at The Friday's.

Trying to be Thankful on Turkey Murder Day

For Thanksgiving to be truly happy, you should be eating ham. While it's a time to give thanks and be grateful, it's also a time to mourn all the senseless turkey killing. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'll focus on the positive and not hen murder. (There's a shocking interview exposé for that HERE.)

Some things for which I'm thankful this Thanksgiving:

1D's Hen Song and Huge Release Party!

Where's the other one?

When Zayn left One Direction, I was crushed, as I subtly wrote in "THE END OF THE BEST BAND EVER." Although 4/5 of the band and the group name remained, the band would never be the same without my favorite member. Months later, to no surprise since Zayn had already left, the group announced that "4/5 Direction Can't Stay As One." After one more album release, the group would be "taking a break" to follow the footsteps of *NSYNC.

I was quick to assume that any release sans Zayn would be garbage, but the 4 remaining boys proved me wrong with "Drag Me Down." Of course it would better with Zayn, but dammit, it's good. Even without their best band member, I knew I'd have to get 1D's final album the day it was released.

I Can't Keep Turning 21

Remember my huge comeback article? Me neither, but it's something I wrote recently. After coming back and pecking out a comprehensive guide for America's circus/presidential candidates, I've had another brief absence from Hen articles. It's easy to come back when I have nothing else productive to do. Now that I've found a new short stint of Hens on Ice work, I once again have paying work getting in the way of my volunteer enterprise I call "The Cackling Hen." This bird accepts donations, gifts, and bribes.

Since turning a milestone age that is no longer cool to announce, I've had multiple moments of realizing not only how old I am, but also that I'm acting the part. What happened? While I may or may not be 30 (I'm not; I'm 20-something!), here are some moments I realized I'm truly (not) 30.

The Hen's 2016 GOP Candidate Guide

Binders!

It seems like just yesterday that Mitt Romney was talking about binders of women and President Obama was digging up his birth certificate. But with the next presidential election over a year away, the primary muck-fest has already begun and everyone and their brothers want to get involved. (One's brother was already president!)

While I missed the first GOP debate, I was astounded to learn that 15 people still consider themselves contenders for the Republican nomination, and all 15 of these people would debate against each other on live television. I think most Americans are struggling to distinguish who all these people are, aside from the guy on The Apprentice. (I will not be talking about him because if you're reading this, there is no possible way you've navigated the Internet without seeing Donald Trump and his ugly face. Yes, I said it, Trump!)

The Hen is here to help you make your GOP choice! Here is a comprehensive guide to who is who in this crowded circus.

The Honda Flop: A Day in the Life

Adjusting to unemployed life has its ups and downs. Some moments, it's "I have total freedom to plan trips, see all my friends, and write my highly-anticipated memoir!" Other moments, it's "I have all the time in world to stare at the ceiling as my life ticks by, while the rest of the world has jobs, spouses, and children. I'm capable of nothing." These contrasting feelings typically change as fast as the radio can change Taylor Swift songs. Things are going well.

I said, "9:30!"

Today's necessary task to fill the time: routine oil change and inspection at Honda. There is
something beautiful about being able to choose any day and time for tedious but necessary appointments. (I'm calling the shots and I say, "Tuesday at 9:30!") There is also something horrifying about losing the concept of what day it is, and waking up in a hungover panic on Monday, thinking I missed my date with Honda, but that's beside the point.

4/5 Direction Can't Stay as One

Zayn, you started the sadness.

Since launching my huge comeback with "Stages of Emotional Coping Leaving Hens on Ice," I vow to (probably) never have such a long hiatus away from the scene again. So to keep this comeback going and to never have to do another one, I need to keep clucking. Thankfully, unemployment could really help me out with this.

Although I lamented Zayn's departure from One Direction and essentially wrote them off as a band without him, 4/5 Direction officially announced they'll soon be disbanding, or "taking a break." Since the rumors turned announcement, my friends have been graffiti-ing my Facebook wall with links to this news, memes commenting on their inferiority, and condolences. For this news, I'm in a much better mental state, as my emotional meltdown happened when Zayn left.

The Comeback! Stages of Emotional Coping Leaving Hens on Ice

After my longest hiatus in Hen history, I am back to pecking with a vengeance. I won't waste your time with apologies or excuses, and now that I'm unemployed, let's get clucking!

I've given much thought to exactly how I want to come back, especially since I didn't plan to be absent long enough for a comeback. I'm hopeful this return will be more like a Justin Timberlake or Kelly Clarkson splash, and less like a Jessica Simpson "who cares about her anymore?" Please care about this Hen and tell your friends.

How mature hens bruise.

The big news for this bird: I have retired from Hens on Ice. I know you're thinking that I'm too young to retire as a probably-maybe-maybe-not 21 year old. Well, these thirt...twenty-something bones and feathers don't quite have the spring of an 18 year old (they have learned to bruise nicely), and I decided to walk away with fond memories before ending up in a wheel chair or the bitter barn. Since Hens on Ice has been a huge part of my life for 4 years, it's been an emotional roller coaster to get to the numb, unemployed hen living in denial that I am today. But for future birds who try to leave Hens on Ice, I've compiled the emotional stages of leaving this whacky bird tour.

#FirstWorldProblems

Since assessing how embarrassing my room decor is, I'm home again to the embarrassment after a Hens on Ice rehearsal period. It's always nice to get out of a hotel room and enjoy the comforts of the coop. That is, when those comforts work. As much as I hate leaking hotel room toilets, busted faucets, and sensitive smoke alarms that detect my indoor smoking habit, at least the front desk or fire department will send someone to fix the problem. At home, my parents either cope or don't notice the problems, and they don't like when I call them at work with complaints. These household problems may be trivial and the epitome of "first world problems," but they still piss me off and long for a hotel repairman.