April 15, 2019

Leaving the Internet.

You probably didn't notice since my posts are sporadic and misguided, but I took an official break from social media. Do not fear though! I continued to write while locked in a bunker and now I'm back in full force. Watch out, cluckers!

back with caution.

My volunteer Cackling Hen life may seem perfect and glamorous, but it's not. In spite of the photo shoots and under-appreciated writing, I'm a common hen just like you with real bird problems. As much as my non-profit (not by choice and not tax deductible) writing career depends on social media, I recently found myself with possible symptoms of mild depression. After declining invitations from dear friends for brunch and a beach weekend, both activities I thought I loved, I remembered the Zoloft commercials with that depressed cartoon egg. I thought of all those questions that commercial asked while that somber egg moped around. ...Yes, I do have trouble getting out of bed in the morning! ...Yes, I have lost interest in things I used to enjoy! Convinced I was becoming that despondent cartoon egg instead of just older and worn out by idiot passengers, I vowed to do something before I cracked.

April 2, 2019

Dying for Face Wash

Desperate for inspiration to prevent a Hen shutdown, I once again turned to the polls to ask readers what they wanted to read. As we've seen, the democratic process has mixed results (Brexit, Trump, American Idol), but I'm confident in my readers! Here goes another comeback, and if you're not cackling, you only have yourselves to blame.

democracy.

Life as a 30-something has led me on a journey for the proper face wash. Instead of worrying about the next big party, I'm worrying about my skin's appearance. My dermatologist put me on a specific face wash that's just specific enough to be annoying. Any variations I've tried with the same active ingredient have a weird consistency, weird side affects, or both. After a few too many trials that left my face burning or discolored, I've accepted that CVS is the only place I can find the face wash I need.

January 29, 2019

Things I Learned In Vienna

Guten tag! That is the extent of my German. But in spite of it, I chose to fly to a German-speaking country. Traveling broadens the mind, and my mind needed something after enduring another year of current American life. So I packed my bags and met some of my poorly-behaved friends in Austria. 

December 31, 2018

A Day as an On-Call Bird

Once again, I let the voters decide what they wanted to read for the next big hen article and I now see a trend. When given the choice, people want to read about the real pain and suffering of being a flight attendant. Thanks. At least the budget airline is a constant source of new clucking material.

Today's topic is a day in the life of a reserve flight attendant. Specifically, it's about my typical day as a reserve, since my little airline doesn't value my sanity as much as some airlines with newer contracts. But I know they're keeping me slightly unhinged for Hen material!

November 3, 2018

Post-Tour Life Hobbies!

The Hen is back clucking, and in the spirit of trying to salvage democracy in 2018, I asked YOU what you wanted to read! Voter turn out was better than expected (the last Hen poll received 0 votes), so I listened to my voters for which inspiration to follow. Better luck next lifetime, Buccaneers.

new hobbies!
Overwhelmingly, you voted to learn about my new hobbies now that I'm officially off the road full time and up in the air as a flying hen. I was inspired by catching up recently with a hen friend who asked if I've been able to try new things that I couldn't while on tour, such as cooking and finding purpose in life (his responses). Instead of saying "not really" and going back to sleep, I gave this a lot of thought and realized that maybe I have gained a new hobby or two after Hens on Ice.

August 23, 2018

My Double Axel Saga in My...

This is 30.
WARNING: I'm going to have real talk in this article about my age that I'll forever deny in future clucks. 

Since I turned 30 and began my midlife crisis fading away from show hen life, I have been clinging to recording my go-to, somewhat-challenging trick: the double axel. The video recording started on my 30th birthday, when I thought it would be cool to capture me doing a double axel on this
significant, ancient birthday, as well as on a battered hip. (30-year-old birds bruise easily.) That same week, I left my Hen on Ice show of 4 years and faced midlife confusion, rejection, and existential dread, with some ice skating in between.

July 23, 2018

Life's a Picnic.

My South Philly dream.
I have unintentionally become a regular of South Philadelphia. But until I get my own TV sitcom like The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, I'll continue writing my sporadic humor blog. Every time I'm in Philly for an overnight layover, I have grand aspirations to go downtown and run on the infamous steps
where Rocky was filmed. But then I remember I hate stairs, running, and heat; and I also have to work a red eye flight. So all these factors keep me within stumbling distance of our mediocre hotel in South Philly.

April 23, 2018

A Scrappy Arrival

Someone dropped something.
After a recent long day of flying my wings off to Philadelphia, the hotel shuttle took me and my fight crew to our modest home-sweet-hotel for the evening. As we unloaded the shuttle and grabbed each of our identical black bags, I saw a small piece of paper on the ground. This is a detail from my day I shouldn't remember, but the shuttle driver made sure I did.

As we gathered our feathers and belongings from the curb, the driver started hollering, "White receipt on the ground! White receipt on the ground!" I glanced at the sidewalk and saw it. There was a slim chance it was mine, I was aware. But I didn't care enough to find out. In the scheme of my day after 10 hours of flying, it just didn't matter.

April 3, 2018

Changing the World One Trash Can At a Time

fond memories.
It feels good to make a difference. Nearly 3 years later, the strange gods of fate and misfortune brought me back to a previous Hens on Ice hotel. Hello again, Ontario! I flew back for a shorter, skate-less stay without my posse.

I didn't realize how many tour memories I had in this dusty California town until I flapped back to this non-descript hotel. Last time, our boss visited and I told her I'd be quitting the ice show (unsuccessful). I kidnapped 2 of my friends for an epic day trip to the decrepit Salton Sea (gross). My BFF and I wore matching outfits (miss him). I got drunk by the pool with my hen friends (again). But most importantly, I pushed for change at this hotel.

March 12, 2018

Reunited with Questions

fun.
Thankfully after the Olympics, I got too busy flying back to work to take a peck at the poor post-Olympic commentary. (Try a quadruple salchow before you can call people "failures," journalists!) With figure skating off TV for a while, I went into a mild depression until the anticipation of last weekend: my first big school reunion.

I skipped my high school reunion a few years back. Fortunately, my duties with Hens on Ice were a legitimate excuse to miss a poorly organized luncheon with people I probably still don't like. But college was different since my overall experience was a great one, making dear friends, learning some things, and drinking Natty Ice. So my coop of friends and I decided we'd make a big flap at our 10 year reunion. (I know, you can't believe it! For the record, I went to college as a child.) 

We flapped onto campus Saturday night ready to party like it was 2008, but our college reminded us it wasn't by hosting the party in a building that didn't exist 10 years ago. (Thanks.) And in a flash, the party seemed to wind down. I woke up that Sunday morning feeling strange. Maybe it was the combination of beer, wine, and Jell-O shots. Maybe it was that my expectations for my first big reunion weren't realistic.