November 3, 2018
The Hen is back clucking, and in the spirit of trying to salvage democracy in 2018, I asked YOU what you wanted to read! Voter turn out was better than expected (the last Hen poll received 0 votes), so I listened to my voters for which inspiration to follow. Better luck next lifetime, Buccaneers.
Overwhelmingly, you voted to learn about my new hobbies now that I'm officially off the road full time and up in the air as a flying hen. I was inspired by catching up recently with a hen friend who asked if I've been able to try new things that I couldn't while on tour, such as cooking and finding purpose in life (his responses). Instead of saying "not really" and going back to sleep, I gave this a lot of thought and realized that maybe I have gained a new hobby or two after Hens on Ice.
August 23, 2018
|This is 30.|
Since I turned 30 and began my midlife crisis fading away from show hen life, I have been clinging to recording my go-to, somewhat-challenging trick: the double axel. The video recording started on my 30th birthday, when I thought it would be cool to capture me doing a double axel on this
significant, ancient birthday, as well as on a battered hip. (30-year-old birds bruise easily.) That same week, I left my Hen on Ice show of 4 years and faced midlife confusion, rejection, and existential dread, with some ice skating in between.
July 23, 2018
|My South Philly dream.|
where Rocky was filmed. But then I remember I hate stairs, running, and heat; and I also have to work a red eye flight. So all these factors keep me within stumbling distance of our mediocre hotel in South Philly.
April 23, 2018
|Someone dropped something.|
As we gathered our feathers and belongings from the curb, the driver started hollering, "White receipt on the ground! White receipt on the ground!" I glanced at the sidewalk and saw it. There was a slim chance it was mine, I was aware. But I didn't care enough to find out. In the scheme of my day after 10 hours of flying, it just didn't matter.
April 3, 2018
I didn't realize how many tour memories I had in this dusty California town until I flapped back to this non-descript hotel. Last time, our boss visited and I told her I'd be quitting the ice show (unsuccessful). I kidnapped 2 of my friends for an epic day trip to the decrepit Salton Sea (gross). My BFF and I wore matching outfits (miss him). I got drunk by the pool with my hen friends (again). But most importantly, I pushed for change at this hotel.
March 12, 2018
I skipped my high school reunion a few years back. Fortunately, my duties with Hens on Ice were a legitimate excuse to miss a poorly organized luncheon with people I probably still don't like. But college was different since my overall experience was a great one, making dear friends, learning some things, and drinking Natty Ice. So my coop of friends and I decided we'd make a big flap at our 10 year reunion. (I know, you can't believe it! For the record, I went to college as a child.)
We flapped onto campus Saturday night ready to party like it was 2008, but our college reminded us it wasn't by hosting the party in a building that didn't exist 10 years ago. (Thanks.) And in a flash, the party seemed to wind down. I woke up that Sunday morning feeling strange. Maybe it was the combination of beer, wine, and Jell-O shots. Maybe it was that my expectations for my first big reunion weren't realistic.
February 1, 2018
It's been a whirlwind of life again since quitting my second job of 2017. Although I've proven unsuccessful at quitting ice skating, I'm now a pro at quitting soul-sucking office jobs. Since flapping away from office job attempt #2, I returned to the ice show, lost a grandma, and took a flying leap of faith into an entirely new career path. Free time and humor have been sparse, but the universe can't cluck me out yet! In fact, my new career makes too much sense in retrospect: I've learned to fly.
November 13, 2017
But don't despair! It's going to take more than a full-time job and mild depression to clip my wings! As each day got harder to get out of bed and face the world, I started to think of how I could return to my mild success on the Internet. Each day as I sat caged at my desk, I mentally plotted how I could peck through the chicken wire back to my cackling self. Finally, I plotted a simple but brilliant plan: I quit.
September 20, 2017
It's been over a week of recovery since the horrendous Hurricane Irma. The Hen got the true brunt of her wraith as her eye passed over the coop around 1 a.m. Now that I have power, Internet, and one less palm tree, I've been reflective of her visit. Death and destruction aside, I think I maybe learned a thing or two from her unwelcome trip.
When a hurricane is coming, people lose their god damn minds over bottled water. Yes, PLEASE be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. But one full week before the storm, every store in Florida was out of water. All I overheard out in public for days was people talking about water, and how there was none. In their panic, 99% of these people forgot about that old-timey treat called "tap water." They also forgot that stores still sold a variety of containers that could hold such tap water. Instead, much of the public complained driving from store to store, bought cases on the black market for $75, or just hoarded every last bottle they found (if they were lucky). A for effort in preparedness; F for critical thinking. Our plumbing was also unaffected without electricity, and I enjoyed some lovely tap water during the apocalyptic winds.
July 15, 2017
Have you heard Kesha's huge comeback song, "Praying?" If not, now is the time and it's my Hen duty to bring it to you.
It's been a while since I've written an installment of "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly," and Kesha has inspired me to bring it back. Unfortunately, I'm too enthralled with this song and screaming that high note to find anything bad or ugly. Dammit, Kesha. I never thought you'd be too "good" for this type of article.