March 23, 2020

TB = Tom Brady AND Tampa Bay (not from The Onion)

Coronavirus has changed the world in ways we've never seen. Millions of people are quarantined in their homes. Toilet paper is gone. And Tom Brady is a Buccaneer.

There has been zero sports news with zero sporting events, but for the first time in my life, I will thank Tom Brady. We'll get to the Twilight Zone part where Tom joins Tampa Bay, but first, I thank Tom Brady for making news unrelated to the global pandemic.

Everything is cancelled and people's homes are now their personal jail cells, but Tom Brady's coming still registers as an Onion article in my mind, just like a Donald Trump presidency. But after many refreshes and journalistic research, it is true and I repeat: Tom Brady is a Tampa Bay Buccaneer.


Before I saw the news myself, I had messages from friends, weird acquaintances, and new bandwagon Bucs fans. Everyone assumed I was excited and celebrating. None of these people got the simple response they expected. They all received an essay on how I do think it's good for the Bucs, but my emotions are complicated and conflicted as a vocal Tom Brady hater. Another thanks for Tom: Thanks for making me a big fat hypocrite this fall.

As a stupid six year old, I liked orange and decided to be a Buccaneers fan (I did not live in Florida. Kids are dumb.) As I got older and understood that the Bucs traditionally suck and disappoint, I continued to double down my fandom instead of backing out for a local or decent team. The years of childhood suffering paid off in 2002-2003 when the Bucs won their only Super Bowl and I felt vindicated over all all the school bullies. Since then, it's been mostly disappointment.

go bucs.

That said, being a loyal fan for the lowly underdog has helped form my resilience to life's other disappointments. And whether Patriots fans want to admit it or not, people love a good underdog story. So when the Bucs win (rare), I can rub it in everyone's face that I've been a dumb Bucs fan the whole time!

Loyal to the constant underdog, I have to hate on any team with a consistent history of success. The Patriots have been very successful for 20 years, and it's not fun for the rest of us. Even other historically successful teams have a few bad years sprinkled in there, but the Patriots haven't had a bad season since I was in middle school (I'm no spring chicken). A "bad" season for the Patriots is losing the Super Bowl. Every season for the Bucs is a degree of bad, leaving us to assess if it was humiliating, or just not too bad. In summary, misery loves company and Patriots fans have had it way too easy the past 20 years.

Leading the Patriots' success has been Tom Brady. Fine, he's the greatest quarterback in history. He keeps winning. He doesn't seem to age. Each year, I think it will be his meltdown and it's not. Media claim he's in his 40s. I claim he's a mafia-built robot. Regardless, with 6 Super Bowl wins and the best career in history, I don't understand why he keeps playing. He's rich as hell and married to a super model, why doesn't he just get out of our faces? He also seems glassy-eyed with rocks or wires for a brain (my robot theory), and he's friends with Donald Trump (gag).


For all these reasons, I've been vocally against Tom Brady and the Patriots my entire adult life. So as if to spite me, Tom Brady is flying down to Tampa to be a Buccaneer, forcing me to reevaluate my morals and everything I thought I understood about myself and the world.

It's way too late now to jump ship, so I'll always be a Buccaneers fan. With that, I have to cheer for Brady's success as I cheer for the team's success. I still don't like Trump's friends or the Patriots, but if Brady and the Bucs win a Super Bowl, I'll delete this essay and claim to be a Brady fan.

Now watch the best video on the Internet below.

KEEP READING! How I'm Dealing with Corona. Day 1.
Hen vs. HOA!

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