September 18, 2015

The Hen's 2016 GOP Candidate Guide

It seems like just yesterday that Mitt Romney was talking about binders of women and President Obama was digging up his birth certificate. But with the next presidential election over a year away, the primary muck-fest has already begun and everyone and their brothers want to get involved. (One's brother was already president!)

While I missed the first GOP debate, I was astounded to learn that 15 people still consider themselves contenders for the Republican nomination, and all 15 of these people would debate against each other on live television. I think most Americans are struggling to distinguish who all these people are, aside from the guy on The Apprentice. (I will not be talking about him because if you're reading this, there is no possible way you've navigated the Internet without seeing Donald Trump and his ugly face. Yes, I said it, Trump!)

The Hen is here to help you make your GOP choice! Here is a comprehensive guide to who is who in this crowded circus.

2016 GOP Candidates (in alphabetical order):

Heating up.
Jeb Bush: The guy whose brother and father have been president, and kept Florida afloat for a while.

Ben Carson: The guy who was a doctor and never fully opens his eyes.

Chris Christie: The guy who stays a little bigger and a little louder than the adjacent candidate so he can keep running New Jersey.

Ted Cruz: The guy who keeps us guessing if he's Latino, Canadian, Texan, Televangelist, Insane, and/or Evil.

Carly Fiorina: The strong, stoic woman in a group of men who wears blue and might be a super-intelligent robot.

Lindsey Graham: The guy who is not a woman, but entertaining.

Mike Huckabee: The guy who is desperate enough for attention to attend an over-publicized rally for a woman who refuses to do her job.

Bobby Jindal: The guy who I'd never heard of before the debates.

John Kasich: The guy who has a name I can't remember or pronounce.

Rand Paul: The guy who seems so young, attractive, and well-spoken when standing next to Donald Trump.

Marco Rubio: The very white Latino guy (son of immigrants!) who may or may not have a receding hair line.

Rick Santorum: The guy who has a name that just sounds dirty.

Donald Trump:

Scott Walker: The guy who's using "no such thing as bad publicity" as his main qualification and slogan.

What happened to her?
Who has your vote?

Keep reading! "A Day in the Life at the Honda Dealership."
My big comeback article!
"The Rudeness of Strangers."

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