Waking Up in Lisbon

Coping.

As I wrote in "Stages of Emotional Coping Leaving Hens on Ice," transitioning from life on the road to stationary, mediocre employment has its challenges. The coping still continues many months after my August departure. Some days, I coped fine, filled with excitement as I applied to new job prospects. Other days, I coped by joining another ice show for 2 months. As I still find ways to cope in March, I now wonder what may be clinically wrong with me. But pushing that aside, my recent coping strategy was a surprise visit to Europe to see my old show and hen friends.

Since September, my old Hen troop has been touring Western Europe in a similar route to my first year with Hens on Ice. When I bid farewell to dear friends in August, I vowed I'd try to visit during the European tour. It would be a great excuse to visit Europe and see my friends.

The Hen's Biggest Race Ever

It's just so good.

I am done acknowledging time gaps between Hen articles that are longer than I want. Typically, this is every gap between every article because I'd love to have a new article daily. But this is not feasible with my busy schedule of part-time work, getting fingerprinted for each individual teaching job I apply to, and keeping up with American Idol. Now that that's off my breast, onward with my huge announcement! (It's not Trump-related. Keep reading.)

Tomorrow is a big day for The Hen! I won't be trying to steal an acting role from a 12 year old - I've already done that. I'll be flapping in my first 5K run!

Mr. Cackling Hen's Grand Debut!

MY BIG DAY!

Today was a huge day for The Hen's new career - the first day in the classroom as Mr. Cackling Hen! I didn't get paid, I didn't teach anything, nor did I really talk to any chickadees, but I was back in classroom desks for the first time since USFSP mercifully passed me through their graduate program.

To become a potential substitute teacher, I sat in on a few classes, jittery off too much coffee and hungry for knowledge, experience, and a breakfast sandwich. And I knew today would probably be the big day where I was first introduced as "Mr. Cackling Hen." It was.

Bar Flies That Need Swatting

Lakeland's hot spot, once.

My friend SamHentha and I recently flapped to a local Lakeland watering hole for a few drinks, reminiscing, and hopefully a free drag show. It was a bumpin' spot when 3 casts of Hens on Ice were in town a few years ago, and it's never lived up the grandeur since. Regardless, it's fun to comment on how much less fun it is without 50 of our skating hens.

When the drag show took a horrendous turn into "stand-up comedy," all the crazies from Lakeland got bored with the entertainment and turned to us as fresh meat. We've all dealt with the random drunk stranger at the bar who just wants to be friends, but on this night, these hammered birds pulled up stools and joined our table for two. We had the fortune of dealing with multiple types of drunks, and it reminded me of the different kinds of crazies that I never want to speak to at the bar.

That'll Be "Mr. Cackling Hen" to you: Hen's Classroom!

Let's learn about sports and race!

The Cackling Hen is becoming a teacher! Call it a noble career change, a poor life choice, or a midlife crisis, but I'm out to educate America's youth! Maybe one day I'll have a world-wide education program and my own education system, but for now, I'm getting my ducks and hens in a row and applying to teaching jobs in the Sunshine State. I'm set to put Florida back on the map for education instead of gun violence and chewed-up faces.

I have been interested in pursuing teaching for years, and since leaving Hens on Ice, it just took one scary job interview to frighten me into actually doing it. Hearing the words "profit margins" and "office" from a man in a suit had me flapping immediately out of his dingy office and onto the Florida Department of Education's website. Please tell me what to do so I never hear "profit margin" again.

Surprise Instagram Study! Shocking Results!

#Science

In just 2 Instagram posts, I inadvertently created a social experiment that gave a glimpse into my friends' minds. My initial intention was not to cross-examine my coop, but rather catch up on posting very important pictures to this social medium. I had 5 free minutes and 2 pictures needed to be filtered and shared: a selfie of my new hair cut and a Bloody Mary from Sunday's brunch. After posting, I enjoyed checking the "likes" and comments, but as I checked the notifications, I realized these little red hearts and words were revealing more about my friends than any of us realized. In The Hen's first exclusive (marginally) scientific study, I'll reveal my findings so you can also conduct a study of your own! (In lieu of donations and flowers, please share this revealing article with your friends!)

Best Christmas Gifts Ever!

Merry Christmas.

I hope you all had a merry Christmas, or a very happy December 25. The spirit of the holiday season is all about giving, spending time with loved ones, and wondering why I'm still sweating and miserable in Florida in winter. As I become an older bird, I have fewer gifts under the Festivus pole each year, which is okay since I can buy things I need as an adult. Still, it's nice to receive a few thoughtful gifts to rip open on Christmas morning, and I'll share a few of my favorites from 2015.

Local Celebs at The Friday's!

My theme for this year has been big comebacks and big hiatuses. For the hiatuses, I'm sorry. No one is more disappointed than me. For the comebacks, you're welcome! I accept "thank you" cards and gifts. As I write this after another brief absence, I can't expect many gifts, but maybe I can pray for a like or a comment. I'll even ask for a share if it doesn't come across as greedy.

Reserved Friday's patio seating.

This bird recently joined a different group of Hens on Ice for a Christmas show. We stay in one place for 2 months, so it offers a different dynamic than traveling to a new city each week. One pro (and con) with that is getting to become true locals at the local hot spots, like the TGI Friday's.

Usually referred to as "The Friday's," a group of us hens flap there most nights after work, as it's across the street and has an unbeatable late night happy hour. But in the countless mornings that I wake up in a not-so-happy hour haze, I reflect on another night that at least one of us (usually me) has been a true fool at The Friday's.

Trying to be Thankful on Turkey Murder Day

For Thanksgiving to be truly happy, you should be eating ham. While it's a time to give thanks and be grateful, it's also a time to mourn all the senseless turkey killing. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'll focus on the positive and not hen murder. (There's a shocking interview exposé for that HERE.)

Some things for which I'm thankful this Thanksgiving:

1D's Hen Song and Huge Release Party!

Where's the other one?

When Zayn left One Direction, I was crushed, as I subtly wrote in "THE END OF THE BEST BAND EVER." Although 4/5 of the band and the group name remained, the band would never be the same without my favorite member. Months later, to no surprise since Zayn had already left, the group announced that "4/5 Direction Can't Stay As One." After one more album release, the group would be "taking a break" to follow the footsteps of *NSYNC.

I was quick to assume that any release sans Zayn would be garbage, but the 4 remaining boys proved me wrong with "Drag Me Down." Of course it would better with Zayn, but dammit, it's good. Even without their best band member, I knew I'd have to get 1D's final album the day it was released.