January 28, 2016

Bar Flies That Need Swatting

Lakeland's hot spot, once.
My friend SamHentha and I recently flapped to a local Lakeland watering hole for a few drinks, reminiscing, and hopefully a free drag show. It was a bumpin' spot when 3 casts of Hens on Ice were in town a few years ago, and it's never lived up the grandeur since. Regardless, it's fun to comment on how much less fun it is without 50 of our skating hens.

When the drag show took a horrendous turn into "stand-up comedy," all the crazies from Lakeland got bored with the entertainment and turned to us as fresh meat. We've all dealt with the random drunk stranger at the bar who just wants to be friends, but on this night, these hammered birds pulled up stools and joined our table for two. We had the fortune of dealing with multiple types of drunks, and it reminded me of the different kinds of crazies that I never want to speak to at the bar.

I Don't Want to Talk to You at the Bar:
Quiz: Which type of bar fly is this?

  • The Extra Wasted Man/Woman. We're all drinking at the bar. Many of us are drunk at the bar. Then there's the person who can't walk on his own, his eyes are rolling to the back of his head, he can't figure out his phone, and he stumbles in the path of performing queens. Yet, in spite of all this, he wants to (try to) talk and become best friends. You're speaking tongues and you just fell on the floor, sir. Go home.
  • The Diva. Oh, she's a big deal, just ask her! The diva sees you as fresh meat and wants to know who you are. But she really doesn't, she just wants to brag and gush to a new audience. And every word is exasperated and over the top. ..."OH, MY, GOD! I just spilled a little drink on my little, perfect $500 dollar shoe. That is SO ME! Typical DivalisciousSkyaDan, spilling on his new, expensive shoes! Ah, I'm such a mess, but I'm so fabulous, right? So much better than these queens out here! ahahahahahaHAHAHAHA. You know, I used to perform in drag! I was the best in Lakeland, still am! Guess my name, GUESS! It was DivaliciousSkyaDanika. Perfect, right? RIGHT?" ...I don't care and you're annoying. Go away. ("She" is usually a male hen.)
  • The Sob Story. This usually starts out friendly enough. She is near you at the bar, and there's a silence, so she starts a little small talk. Two sentences later, she's telling you how she's an orphan, her relatives disowned her, all her friends are in jail, including her child molester friend who didn't do it. And her phone's broken. And she can't afford health insurance. We just met, lady, and there is nothing I can say or do to help you. You should probably start helping yourself by leaving this bar.
  • The Hater. This person engages just to start shit. Why? What are you gaining from making snide comments to strangers? We're not in middle school and you're in the same lowly bar that we are. 
  • The Creep. This person usually doesn't even talk to you, but his awkward staring and serial killer vibe make up for it. Sometimes, he becomes a super creep and does more than just stare. It stays awkward, and he may have a friend talk to you, send you a drink, wink at you, lick his lips, ask for a dance, ask for your number, or all of the above. The creep also does not take rejection well, even though he should be used to it.

Am I missing anyone?

I'm not opposed to talking to strangers at the bar. I've even made a few new friends. (It helps if they're pretty and not creepy.) But oftentimes, I just want to enjoy the company of my friends, the drinks, and the poor entertainment. And that's all - is that so much to ask? Apparently it is, and then I'm the rude bitch. 

It's been real, Lakeland, but I won't be returning to this watering hole until I have a larger flock of friends to fend off the weirdos. 

Leave us alone. 

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