HEN FOR PRESIDENT and My New Careers!

You're hired? 

Well, it's been over a week since that big event happened and over 60 million Americans voted for a 4-year return of "The Apprentice." Only in America do we have the freedom to elect a leader based on lies and hateful speeches instead of a highly-qualified woman. God bless it. Freedom's great, right? Right?

But in times of sickness and tragedy, laughter is the best medicine, and The Hen delivers. So instead of being distraught that this election was the biggest embarrassment in the world, or being worried that your rights are in jeopardy, let's focus on the positive from this travesty! Every cloud has a silver lining, even if it's just a speck.

Alternatives More Qualified Than That Loud, Orange Balloon Running for President.

MAKE IT STOP.

In typical Hen fashion, I have taken a hiatus longer than expected from clucking away on my volunteer blog. (I'm still accepting donations and endorsement deals.) I have been busy with partial employment, crying about new Hens on Ice shows starting without me, and getting enraged by political posts on Facebook.

I scrapped my original plan to write about becoming a Hens on Ice groupie, but that may come later. Instead, I'll focus on what's hot in the (social) media and join in the 2016 presidential debate. But instead of beating a dead hen about which candidate is fit to run the country and which candidate is the devil residing in a pompous orange windbag, I'll focus on who is more fit to get my vote than the previously mentioned pumpkin nominee. (Happy Halloween!)

Twitter and the Other T Word.

The primaries and national conventions are now over for the the 2 major political parties, leaving each candidate just one target to maim and brutalize until November. When my newsfeed isn't filled with babies, it's filled with pictures of that other huge, orange baby who's apparently still running for president. I sometimes aim for original material, but writing about how awful, scary, and orange Trump is epitomizes the expression "beating a dead horse." So I'll keep it simple: Trump sucks. (Read about more things that just suck.)

At least laughter is the best and cheapest medicine. So until we need morphine in October to stomach the 2016 election, let's enjoy some of the beautiful wit of the Internet. I missed the #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes fad for article, so I'll settle for some classic Twitter responses to Trump.

PULSE and Other Things That Suck

Even the funniest birds don't cackle 24/7. The Cackling Hen is a pretty funny bird, but even this cackler gets blue. Sometimes blue can still be funny and I love self-deprecating humor, like look how I can't cope leaving Hens on Ice! or look how my bedroom is decorated like a 12-year-old girl's! But then there's the other kind of blue, a deeper depression and/or tragic shattering event. That recent, horrid event that out-blued the other tragic events in the news was the Orlando Pulse massacre.

I can't put fitting words to the tragedy that happened at Pulse. It's unimaginable. It's beyond disgusting, horrifying, senseless, and tragic. Seeing the news unfold jarred me at my core and sunk my heart to an unknown depth. It is just unreal, and I don't think my brain will ever 100% compute such a horror. Just down the road from me and knowing that my hen friends and I frequent the gay bar, it rattled me more than any other attack because it could have easily been any of us there. In my mind, just like we hope schools and churches to be safe havens, places like Pulse have been safe havens for many up to this point. Although acceptance of all people continues to progress, there are still many people all over the world who don't feel they can fully be themselves for whatever reasons. A place like Pulse is supposed to be a safe escape where anyone can come, no matter who someone is or who someone wants to be, and have fun. Great music, cheap drinks, fun, attractive people, drag shows - what's not to love? Tragically, just as the domestic terrorists and deranged souls have entered our elementary schools, our churches, our college campuses, our movie theaters, and our malls, one has now targeted and bloodied the gay bar. It just sucks.

The Power of the Unfollow (EXCLUDING UNFOLLOWING THE HEN!)

Sorry not sorry.

What happened to all the days between May 4 and today? It's too astonishing to address or consider, so I won't.

Instead, I write here today to urge all of you in my coop to take action in your social media lives and to teach something I've learned recently. I will not be teaching you middle school science, figure skating, or kindergarten phonics; I'm here to teach you the power of the "unfollow." You may have also just learned proper semicolon usage (see previous sentence).

First and most importantly, this unfollow lesson DOES NOT APPLY TO THE CACKLING HEN. DO NOT EVER UNFOLLOW THE CACKLING HEN. That would be a horrible life choice and you will cry when this bird takes off for entertainment domination and you're out of the coop.

The Hen's Biggest Race Ever

It's just so good.

I am done acknowledging time gaps between Hen articles that are longer than I want. Typically, this is every gap between every article because I'd love to have a new article daily. But this is not feasible with my busy schedule of part-time work, getting fingerprinted for each individual teaching job I apply to, and keeping up with American Idol. Now that that's off my breast, onward with my huge announcement! (It's not Trump-related. Keep reading.)

Tomorrow is a big day for The Hen! I won't be trying to steal an acting role from a 12 year old - I've already done that. I'll be flapping in my first 5K run!