September 27, 2016

Alternatives More Qualified Than That Loud, Orange Balloon Running for President.

In typical Hen fashion, I have taken a hiatus longer than expected from clucking away on my volunteer blog. (I'm still accepting donations and endorsement deals.) I have been busy with partial employment, crying about new Hens on Ice shows starting without me, and getting enraged by political posts on Facebook.

I scrapped my original plan to write about becoming a Hens on Ice groupie, but that may come later. Instead, I'll focus on what's hot in the (social) media and join in the 2016 presidential debate. But instead of beating a dead hen about which candidate is fit to run the country and which candidate is the devil residing in a pompous orange windbag, I'll focus on who is more fit to get my vote than the previously mentioned pumpkin nominee. (Happy Halloween!)

Republicans, you blew it. Here is a select list of people who are more fit for president, but unfortunately aren't running, or walking:

  • Beyoncé. She runs the world. She gets in formation. She somehow keeps it classy while never wearing pants. She is well-spoken, confident yet modest, and free of scandal. Beyoncé seems reflective and cares about the world we live in. She could even sing her speeches like no other. Beyoncé has my vote. 
  • Paris Hilton. She may not be running or popular anymore, but this washed up model made a good case for her presidency in 2008 with her "Paris for President" video. She's for marriage equality and clean energy and believes global warming is "totally not hot." I'll take it. 

  • Britney Spears. Britney isn't the brightest bulb, the best singer, or best image of good hair extensions, but she's a global icon and she's pretty (usually). Sure, she went insane in 2007, but she has bounced back to be the pop star that she is. Britney hung out with Hillary Clinton once, so she's already more experienced than the loud devil nominee. Britney may not be a true intellectual, but she's smart enough to keep smart people around her to produce hits and keep her money safe. Let's face it, her presidency would be a lot of fun.
  • Samantha Bee. She's smart. She's sassy. She's mad. She's hilarious! Her commentary makes us laugh, so we forget that the subject matter is actually terrifying. She makes sense and no one cares about her e-mails. 
  • Dave, my cat. Dave spends 23 hours a day hiding in a closet or sleeping. But in the rare moments that she (yes, she) shows her face, she hangs out with my mom. Dave trusts no one else. If Dave was president, my mom would basically be running the country. After all, cats do have some limitations. But this would be okay. Mother hen is the kindest person I know. She cares about the welfare of all people, saving stray animals, and keeping only good TV sitcoms in syndication. This is a huge improvement from that orange balloon yelling hate speech. #DaveAndMotherHen2016.
  • A pumpkin. Still orange, but much quieter and not a racist buffoon.

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