November 2, 2016

In Zayn We Trust

Something important.
Once again, it's time for a huge Hen comeback! I'm aiming for more comebacks than Cher to increase my exposure and justify my common writing droughts. I have not been ignoring my faithful coup; I've just been searching for right inspiration. There is truly nothing funny about this horrid election - that onslaught of coverage has been filling every media wavelength and crushing my soul. So I had to think of other important cackling topics to peck at. My mild depression? No. My search for life meaning and a salaried job? No way. Thankfully, there is a shred of hope left in 2016: ZAYN PUBLISHED HIS OWN BOOK.

Part of my mild depression stems from the gradual dissembling of One Direction. I cried purchasing the last calendar that would feature all 5 of them together, and I still sob hearing their final single, "History." But Zayn read my dramatic 3 a.m. tweets and came to my rescue.

With its release this week, I wanted to catch it warm off the press and at a hefty discount. But in 2016, I morally weigh every shopping decision. Each option has its problems. Amazon is a great deal, but I'd have to wait a few days. Wal-Mart is cheapest, but it hurts local business. Local book stores charge the actual retail price. Target might have a rapist in the restroom or something. But after hours of research and turmoil, I found the perfect solution! Books-A-Million had the hefty discount according to its website, it was a bookstore instead of Wal-Mart, and it was on my way home from work. Perfect!

I fluttered into the bookstore tired after work, but eager to see Zayn's beautiful face filling every window and shelf. I expected a huge display in the front because everyone would want a copy. They'd better have the back room stacked full of Zayn books!

Not the book I want.
But when I walked in the store, there was no prominent display. There was some Christmas crap, and then I saw the shelf of "Bestsellers." Clearly, Zayn would be there. I looked once, then perused again, and scanned it a third time: no Zayn. Confused, I started looking at the other prominent displays and shelves. Where was the Zayn shelf? Where were the "New Releases?" And what was that strange noise?

I methodically scanned every shelf. I found YouTube "stars" and books telling me how evil Trump, Hillary, and Obama are. I found weird new beanie baby things, and discomforting pieces related to the new Trolls movie, but no Zayn. Pissed, I found the "music and entertainment" section. Clearly, Lakeland had no taste or pop culture awareness if Zayn's new release book was only in its designated section, but I'd find it, give the cashier a piece of my mind, and leave.

I kept looking and pecking. He wasn't with the Z's and he wasn't with the M's. He wasn't under "O" for One Direction either. What God-foresaken store was this, and what the hell was that creepy noise? I walked down every aisle, pretending I was just browsing. I found the noise: a socially-awkward, round couple chasing each other through the aisles while making animal noises. As I avoided them and every employee trying to "help me," I found Zayn. He was sharing a rickety shelf that was half behind a main shelf, where he was sharing the space with a Stephen Tyler Christmas story or something. I tried to ignore the other stupid book and held Zayn in my hands. But he was only 10% off, above my budget and the advertised online price. I put him back and left morally defeated.

See you tomorrow, Wal-Mart.


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