Worst Trip Ever.

Pinnacle of my career

All fictional bird personas have their highs and lows. Times were good in 2014 when I shared the perfect Grumpy Cat meme at just the right time and got all the credit. Since then, Grumpy Cat has fallen off the social radar, and I've followed that cat's paw steps like a dumb dodo. I realize and accept that my current status is with Grumpy Cat and other Z-List celebs just trying to stay relevant. Plans are in the works for a talk show, clothing line, and presidential run, but until then, here are some more words thrown together on the Internet.

Good Coffee Gone Bad.

My last few articles have clucked about some important life events: quitting a terrible job, running for president, and what I want for Christmas. While quitting my job created a mild stir, I got nothing I wanted for Christmas and I'm still not president. So I'm taking this bird back to its roots of clucking about more trivial, annoying things. Today, I bring you my cautionary tale of a coffee drink to avoid.

Like a young, normal chick, I went to a friend's party Saturday night. These days, my social plans consist of happy hours or "none." So when this party started after dark, I wanted a little energy boost for my drive. I chose coffee over beer for the cupholder, and begin my journey.

New Job/Old Job/Current Job

I did it!

As time flutters by and depression weighs in during a Trump "presidency," The Hen has sadly evolved into a monthly newsletter. Thankfully, a backwards agenda can't shut down a volunteer blog, so The Hen will carry on through it all. Even if it's less frequently, we've come too far together and you've followed my silliness for too long to let mild despair shut me down! The Hen will keep clucking and you should too.

Since my last article about my utter failure at a new job was a smash hit (I really quit!), I guess I should continue with that for that ratings. Thankfully for my blog, my journey with the new/old job didn't end after I quit.

My New Job, My Old Job

To-do list.

As I wrote in the two-part series, "I Quit," I'm not good at quitting. Maybe it's a fear of change or maybe I actually like ice skating, but I'm just not good at quitting unless I'm physically forced out of it. School makes you "graduate" and jobs "fire" you, but otherwise, I stick it out. Even if some friendships turn henemy, I can't let go until they block my number and social media accounts.

This past week was one of new beginnings and wonderful new endings. I accomplished a life-long goal: I quit!

Hen's Grown Up Christmas List

Does he come with the suit?

Maybe one day I'll have a major following and make millions from The Cackling Hen if I start writing and posting regularly. Until then, please enjoy my sporadic online presence!

I've had clucker's block. I still have plenty to cluck about because things still annoy me and I'm a really funny bird, but sometimes it's hard to find the time and motivation to write while working 4-hour days. Alas, in the holiday spirit, I'm here to deliver!

Now that I'm an old, gown, immature hen, mother hen and father goose still ask what I need for Christmas. I don't really need anything other than money, a job, or a sense of purpose in the morning, and those are hard to fit under the tree. Instead, I just remind them that I do not need anymore clothes so they can buy me clothes and put them under the tree.

In the spirit of Christmas and American greed, I've compiled my official Christmas wish list so you all know what to get me.

HEN FOR PRESIDENT and My New Careers!

You're hired? 

Well, it's been over a week since that big event happened and over 60 million Americans voted for a 4-year return of "The Apprentice." Only in America do we have the freedom to elect a leader based on lies and hateful speeches instead of a highly-qualified woman. God bless it. Freedom's great, right? Right?

But in times of sickness and tragedy, laughter is the best medicine, and The Hen delivers. So instead of being distraught that this election was the biggest embarrassment in the world, or being worried that your rights are in jeopardy, let's focus on the positive from this travesty! Every cloud has a silver lining, even if it's just a speck.

In Zayn We Trust

Something important.

Once again, it's time for a huge Hen comeback! I'm aiming for more comebacks than Cher to increase my exposure and justify my common writing droughts. I have not been ignoring my faithful coup; I've just been searching for right inspiration. There is truly nothing funny about this horrid election - that onslaught of coverage has been filling every media wavelength and crushing my soul. So I had to think of other important cackling topics to peck at. My mild depression? No. My search for life meaning and a salaried job? No way. Thankfully, there is a shred of hope left in 2016: ZAYN PUBLISHED HIS OWN BOOK.

Part of my mild depression stems from the gradual dissembling of One Direction. I cried purchasing the last calendar that would feature all 5 of them together, and I still sob hearing their final single, "History." But Zayn read my dramatic 3 a.m. tweets and came to my rescue.

Alternatives More Qualified Than That Loud, Orange Balloon Running for President.

MAKE IT STOP.

In typical Hen fashion, I have taken a hiatus longer than expected from clucking away on my volunteer blog. (I'm still accepting donations and endorsement deals.) I have been busy with partial employment, crying about new Hens on Ice shows starting without me, and getting enraged by political posts on Facebook.

I scrapped my original plan to write about becoming a Hens on Ice groupie, but that may come later. Instead, I'll focus on what's hot in the (social) media and join in the 2016 presidential debate. But instead of beating a dead hen about which candidate is fit to run the country and which candidate is the devil residing in a pompous orange windbag, I'll focus on who is more fit to get my vote than the previously mentioned pumpkin nominee. (Happy Halloween!)

LinkedIn or LinkedOut?

Does anyone still use Linkedin?

Better yet, does anyone gain meaningful connections and job prospects through Linkedin?

These are some tough questions in today's online world. If the answer is "yes," then I'm probably using Linkedin in all the wrong ways.

Cute, blonde, and/or professional?

I remember first learning about Linkedin and creating an account in my early 20s, like many people my age. It seemed like a great idea at the time, having a professional social media presence so my Facebook could focus on drinking and cat photos. I also felt productive, networking (whatever that means) without really doing anything. I didn't have a great use for Linkedin when I made my account in college, but I was convinced that this would be an important and handy tool in the professional job world.

Twitter and the Other T Word.

The primaries and national conventions are now over for the the 2 major political parties, leaving each candidate just one target to maim and brutalize until November. When my newsfeed isn't filled with babies, it's filled with pictures of that other huge, orange baby who's apparently still running for president. I sometimes aim for original material, but writing about how awful, scary, and orange Trump is epitomizes the expression "beating a dead horse." So I'll keep it simple: Trump sucks. (Read about more things that just suck.)

At least laughter is the best and cheapest medicine. So until we need morphine in October to stomach the 2016 election, let's enjoy some of the beautiful wit of the Internet. I missed the #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes fad for article, so I'll settle for some classic Twitter responses to Trump.