December 22, 2016

Hen's Grown Up Christmas List

Does he come with the suit?
Maybe one day I'll have a major following and make millions from The Cackling Hen if I start writing and posting regularly. Until then, please enjoy my sporadic online presence!

I've had clucker's block. I still have plenty to cluck about because things still annoy me and I'm a really funny bird, but sometimes it's hard to find the time and motivation to write while working 4-hour days. Alas, in the holiday spirit, I'm here to deliver!

Now that I'm an old, gown, immature hen, mother hen and father goose still ask what I need for Christmas. I don't really need anything other than money, a job, or a sense of purpose in the morning, and those are hard to fit under the tree. Instead, I just remind them that I do not need anymore clothes so they can buy me clothes and put them under the tree.

In the spirit of Christmas and American greed, I've compiled my official Christmas wish list so you all know what to get me.

The Hen's Official 2016 Christmas Wish List:

I feel the same way, Hill.
  • A complete election re-do. It was humiliating and painful on a global scale. Let's make America great again by pretending it never happened, and having a complete re-do. There are still a few days left to salvage 2016 with a new election. For the love of God, please?
  • A winning lottery ticket. Every time I buy a lotto ticket, I'm convinced I'm going to win. It hasn't panned out yet. Call me optimistic or delusional, but it would really help me out to win soon. Then I could devote the rest of my life to mildly entertaining Hen posts.
  • A high-rise condo over looking water. This is the setting I need to be a devoted blogger. I don't think it's too much to ask. 
Netflix and chill.
  • Zayn or Britney in my living room. I have been a loyal fan for all these years, we are overdue to hang out in real life. My life-sized cardboard Zayn is only so fun, and it's also broken in my closet. I also think both Zayn and Britney would really like me if they gave me a chance. What's not to love? I'd even make a solid effort to not kidnap them forever.
  • 2011. It was a great year for me and I wouldn't mind going back to it. I completed a master's degree, I began touring Europe with Hens on Ice, I was in my 20s, and I could still function normally with a hangover. The world was my oyster! Now that shell has tightened up a bit. Older? Yes. Wiser? Debatable. And what's a master's degree?
This list is mostly reasonable, so I'll look forward to your gifts! If I had to pick just one, I'd go for the election re-do. Dear Lord, that was horrible. Come through for us, 2017!


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