The Power of the Unfollow (EXCLUDING UNFOLLOWING THE HEN!)

Sorry not sorry.

What happened to all the days between May 4 and today? It's too astonishing to address or consider, so I won't.

Instead, I write here today to urge all of you in my coop to take action in your social media lives and to teach something I've learned recently. I will not be teaching you middle school science, figure skating, or kindergarten phonics; I'm here to teach you the power of the "unfollow." You may have also just learned proper semicolon usage (see previous sentence).

First and most importantly, this unfollow lesson DOES NOT APPLY TO THE CACKLING HEN. DO NOT EVER UNFOLLOW THE CACKLING HEN. That would be a horrible life choice and you will cry when this bird takes off for entertainment domination and you're out of the coop.

Teaching Science

Don't know what I'm doing.

As I've written about pursuing a teaching career and having Mr. Cackling Hen's classroom, I've spent months reaching out to various schools for substitute teaching and applying to full-time roles. Many schools have their own application process for substitute teaching, so I've humbly jumped through the hoops, cut the read tape, given fingerprints multiple times (for multiple fees), and given up blood samples and my future first-born child. I even sat in on a 6th grade class (See "Mr Cackling Hen's Grand Debut."), but I recently had my actual debut where I was in charge.


I didn't fully know what to expect for my first time leading a group of students, especially 6th graders. I envisioned them laughing at my worldly stories and jokes, as I threw the lesson plans out the window and became the coolest teacher ever. I also envisioned utter chaos, with students running around the room, throwing things, cursing at me, and having no respect for authority. It would probably be one of these two situations, and I really hoped for the former.

The Best of the Unfinished Archives!

Call me.

Like any famous author, The Cackling Hen has an overflowing library of unfinished, unpublished works. And instead of finishing just one of those articles and pretending it's still relevant, (May the partial articles on swine flu and Alex from Target rest in peace.) I am presenting the best of my unfinished articles for your partial enjoyment. You may call this a "cop out" like my article on or you might call it "Seinfeld-esque" like one drunk fan. I'm going with the latter to boost my self-esteem.
"Writing About Not Writing,"

In no particular order, here are some of the best "could-have-been," sensational articles that you'll never read in full. But knowing what you're missing might offer you some closure.

Waking Up in Lisbon

Coping.

As I wrote in "Stages of Emotional Coping Leaving Hens on Ice," transitioning from life on the road to stationary, mediocre employment has its challenges. The coping still continues many months after my August departure. Some days, I coped fine, filled with excitement as I applied to new job prospects. Other days, I coped by joining another ice show for 2 months. As I still find ways to cope in March, I now wonder what may be clinically wrong with me. But pushing that aside, my recent coping strategy was a surprise visit to Europe to see my old show and hen friends.

Since September, my old Hen troop has been touring Western Europe in a similar route to my first year with Hens on Ice. When I bid farewell to dear friends in August, I vowed I'd try to visit during the European tour. It would be a great excuse to visit Europe and see my friends.

The Hen's Biggest Race Ever

It's just so good.

I am done acknowledging time gaps between Hen articles that are longer than I want. Typically, this is every gap between every article because I'd love to have a new article daily. But this is not feasible with my busy schedule of part-time work, getting fingerprinted for each individual teaching job I apply to, and keeping up with American Idol. Now that that's off my breast, onward with my huge announcement! (It's not Trump-related. Keep reading.)

Tomorrow is a big day for The Hen! I won't be trying to steal an acting role from a 12 year old - I've already done that. I'll be flapping in my first 5K run!

Mr. Cackling Hen's Grand Debut!

MY BIG DAY!

Today was a huge day for The Hen's new career - the first day in the classroom as Mr. Cackling Hen! I didn't get paid, I didn't teach anything, nor did I really talk to any chickadees, but I was back in classroom desks for the first time since USFSP mercifully passed me through their graduate program.

To become a potential substitute teacher, I sat in on a few classes, jittery off too much coffee and hungry for knowledge, experience, and a breakfast sandwich. And I knew today would probably be the big day where I was first introduced as "Mr. Cackling Hen." It was.

Bar Flies That Need Swatting

Lakeland's hot spot, once.

My friend SamHentha and I recently flapped to a local Lakeland watering hole for a few drinks, reminiscing, and hopefully a free drag show. It was a bumpin' spot when 3 casts of Hens on Ice were in town a few years ago, and it's never lived up the grandeur since. Regardless, it's fun to comment on how much less fun it is without 50 of our skating hens.

When the drag show took a horrendous turn into "stand-up comedy," all the crazies from Lakeland got bored with the entertainment and turned to us as fresh meat. We've all dealt with the random drunk stranger at the bar who just wants to be friends, but on this night, these hammered birds pulled up stools and joined our table for two. We had the fortune of dealing with multiple types of drunks, and it reminded me of the different kinds of crazies that I never want to speak to at the bar.

That'll Be "Mr. Cackling Hen" to you: Hen's Classroom!

Let's learn about sports and race!

The Cackling Hen is becoming a teacher! Call it a noble career change, a poor life choice, or a midlife crisis, but I'm out to educate America's youth! Maybe one day I'll have a world-wide education program and my own education system, but for now, I'm getting my ducks and hens in a row and applying to teaching jobs in the Sunshine State. I'm set to put Florida back on the map for education instead of gun violence and chewed-up faces.

I have been interested in pursuing teaching for years, and since leaving Hens on Ice, it just took one scary job interview to frighten me into actually doing it. Hearing the words "profit margins" and "office" from a man in a suit had me flapping immediately out of his dingy office and onto the Florida Department of Education's website. Please tell me what to do so I never hear "profit margin" again.

Surprise Instagram Study! Shocking Results!

#Science

In just 2 Instagram posts, I inadvertently created a social experiment that gave a glimpse into my friends' minds. My initial intention was not to cross-examine my coop, but rather catch up on posting very important pictures to this social medium. I had 5 free minutes and 2 pictures needed to be filtered and shared: a selfie of my new hair cut and a Bloody Mary from Sunday's brunch. After posting, I enjoyed checking the "likes" and comments, but as I checked the notifications, I realized these little red hearts and words were revealing more about my friends than any of us realized. In The Hen's first exclusive (marginally) scientific study, I'll reveal my findings so you can also conduct a study of your own! (In lieu of donations and flowers, please share this revealing article with your friends!)

Best Christmas Gifts Ever!

Merry Christmas.

I hope you all had a merry Christmas, or a very happy December 25. The spirit of the holiday season is all about giving, spending time with loved ones, and wondering why I'm still sweating and miserable in Florida in winter. As I become an older bird, I have fewer gifts under the Festivus pole each year, which is okay since I can buy things I need as an adult. Still, it's nice to receive a few thoughtful gifts to rip open on Christmas morning, and I'll share a few of my favorites from 2015.