April 12, 2016

The Best of the Unfinished Archives!

Call me.
Like any famous author, The Cackling Hen has an overflowing library of unfinished, unpublished works. And instead of finishing just one of those articles and pretending it's still relevant, (May the partial articles on swine flu and Alex from Target rest in peace.) I am presenting the best of my unfinished articles for your partial enjoyment. You may call this a "cop out" like my article on or you might call it "Seinfeld-esque" like one drunk fan. I'm going with the latter to boost my self-esteem.
"Writing About Not Writing,"

In no particular order, here are some of the best "could-have-been," sensational articles that you'll never read in full. But knowing what you're missing might offer you some closure.

The Hen's Could-Have-Been Golden Archives:
Must beat all of them.

  • "Winning the Local 5K Marathon!" I really wanted to follow up "The Hen's Biggest Race Ever" (all about training for my racing debut) with a laugh-out-loud article about my experience. I'm sure some of my readers are still in agony wondering how the run went, but I just couldn't muster an article to my lofty standards. The main point I wanted my readers to take away is that there was a girl my age wearing a tu-tu who I was determined to beat. I did. 
  • "Untitled" about traveling from Fresno to Tampa. This potential gem was so close to being finished! Sadly, I couldn't think of a funny ending, or a half-decent way to keep the article cackling. It somehow morphed into a boring recap of my day. Unpublishable! Main points: My first flight nearly crash-landed in Phoenix, and I sat next to an insane, scary man on my second flight.
  • "Normal Things in Mexico!" I made some funny observations during my time in Mexico City about how normal life differed there from the comfort of my USA. But I couldn't turn these solid one-liners into a full article that didn't make me seem like a privileged white elitist. (Only one and a half of those descriptors are true.) Some fun, non-racist observations: Intersections can consist of 10 roads converging with street performers in the middle, and late-morning news programs can involve swimming pools and barbecues. I at least published 2 moderately successful articles about Mexico: "Hola, Mexico! Parte Uno" and "Hola, Mexico! Parte Dos: Talking to Locals."
  • "Annoying Things in America!" I got angry instead of funny writing about things that annoy me in my homeland. In lieu of this article, just turn on CNN during an election year, the year before an election year, 2 years before an election year, or at noon.

Reporting the truth.

There are more gems from the isle of unfulfilled cackles, but I need material for my next uninspired article.

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