The Cackling Hen's Guide to Twitter

"Who are you calling a Tweeter?"

My hen friend Kim recently clucked that she didn't understand Twitter. She was asking questions like, "What's a hashtag?" and "Does my iPhone connect to the internet?" Up for the challenge to turn my school brain back on, I took Kimmie under my wing. We had a Twitter class/lunch date to peck over Twitter's uses and purpose and a big lunch. We left full and accomplished, even sending a few tweets from the table. Kimmie is no longer spelling out the word, "hashtag," and although she still says "Tweeter" sometimes, she'll be okay. Here is The Cackling Hen's Starter Guide to Twitter, inspired by Kim.

Funky Hen Down

This isn't natural 

While all us hens on ice may seem perfect on the surface, we all take a tumble from time to time during our live performances. Besides, we're only hens, right? But the falls add flavor to our show, a little spice of laughter or gasp when the audience least expects it, reminding us that no hen is perfect.

As a competing hen, I touted myself as being a consistent skater, usually saving most of my crashing and burning for practice sessions. Now as a show hen, I feel the same way. But that confidence in rarely falling during a show makes my falls that much more spectacular, since they also come with a facial reaction and or sound effect.

Big Bird for 2016

I need to vote for myself.

Last night, just over half the American people re-elected President Obama to stay in office for the next four years. While I wrote in my vote for Big Bird just below Rosanne Barr’s name, I still feel a sigh of relief that Obama is in office for birds everywhere. While Obama is no Big Bird, he at least won’t be pulling the rug out from Big Bird’s home or treating hens like second-class citizens. And with such publicity, Big Bird has a good shot for 2016.

But with Obama winning by just a slight majority, that leaves the almost-majority minority who voted for Romney, Barr or Big Bird. And with social media basically taking over most of our lives, it leaves million upon millions of Americans both unhappy and vocal online. If the months of build up weren’t bad enough – inundations of political ads and everyone on Facebook on Twitter suddenly having strong political opinions – the aftermath of the election on social media is one last tidal wave.

Walk This Way

Where's the metro?

Hens on Ice has taken me many places I never imagined I'd see, such as Paris, Cape Town and Stone Henge, to name just a few. This week I'm in another such place - Florence, South Carolina. It may not have historic landmarks or sidewalks, but it's also a place I never envisioned spending time.

We began our tour in mostly large cities, staying downtown - areas conducive to walking. Now that we have been spending weeks in smaller cities in the South, apparently no one walks in these places. The city of Florence, along with too many cities in the US, was designed assuming that everyone has a car. Why didn't anyone have carless groups of traveling show vagabonds in my mind when city planning?

Double the Decaf

I don't follow.

There are two different kinds of things I do not understand. There are those things that we don't know, but we can learn after a chat with our friends and family, turning on the TV or searching trusted online sources, like Wikipedia and Google. Then there are those things I've accepted I will never understand, such as why a Big Bird killer is in the running for president and why decaffeinated coffee exists. Since my absentee ballot for Big Bird is in the mail, I'll peck decaf.

New Xtina: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

When I started The Cackling Hen, I envisioned this little cackle column to primarily take a peck at pop culture and silly celebrities. Then things like the election and my own life derailed that idea, and The Hen evolved into an unpredictable column! While Hens on Ice and Republicans have often been the pecking bags lately, it's time to go back to The Cackling Hen's early intentions. With a new song and video, let's take a peck at Christina Aguilera.

I wish my last album sold better.

Christina has not gone unscathed from The Hen. She got a good peck back when The Hen lived in USFSP's Crow's Nest. Check out when Christina made the anthem her own. Since getting creative with the national anthem, Christina joined The Voice as a judge, gained 40 pounds and got into drag makeup. Now she has a new music video - her first since her not-so-successful Bionic album.

Romney is Worse Than Colonel Sanders

New debate: who gets the drumstick?

Last week was the first of too many presidential debates between President Obama and Mitt Romney. In an effort to distance myself from political commentary and lower my blood pressure, I opted for a sassy dinner out with hen friends over watching the debate. I will admit I did check my Twitter feed just long enough to scream across the table for five seconds, yelling five profanities about the debate's absurdity, but other than that, it was a lovely dinner of cackles and Thai food.

When I returned after some chicken dance and cocktails, I glanced at the news(feed) to look for a brief summary of any hot topics, outrageous quotes or fist fights from the debate. I was shocked to see numerous headlines with both Mitt Romney and Big Bird. What the hell is going on? Those two have as much in common as Steve Martin and Queen Latifah in Bringing Down the House. But there are no zany antics or Betty Whites in these headlines.

Just a Country Hen

After leaving Slaughterville, aka Louisville, the Hens on Ice troop has arrived in Nashville, Tennessee. Thankfully this city pays hommage to wholesome country music, not butchering innocent chickens. I may not be a country music fan, but I sure prefer it over the sound of a KFC deep fryer. It's all about perspective.

Where's the Carrie exhibit?

Today I broadened my horizons and ruffled my feathers by visiting the Country Music Hall of Fame. I may not have known about any of the country music legends other than Carrie Underwood, but I did know that I liked Carrie Underwood. I followed her entire journey on season 4 of American Idol. I couldn't wait to relive that journey, as I was sure it'd be a special exhibit.

Face to Beak with a Killer

fluttering around Louisville

Today started as a lovely day off in Louisville, Kentucky. I explored the city and the riverfront area with some hen friends, enjoying the warm, crisp sunshine and seeing new surroundings. We had an outdoor patio lunch on the river of seafood, feed and cocktails. The setting was perfect - it seemed that the day would stay that way.

After another one or four hours of fluttering through the Louisville streets, we stopped into the tourism bureau to find a store where we could buy more feed. And there in the seemingly harmless room filled with toy horses and baseball bats stood the grim reaper of cackling hens: Colonel Sanders.

It's Always Sassy in Huntsville

The Cackling Hen had been flying high for a while - getting a record-breaking four comments and double digit page views. Clearly just one hit post away from being covered on TMZ, The Cackling Hen had to get off the typewriter and back on the ice for live performances of Hens on Ice. Once again, performing for chicks and their parental roosters got in the way of my internet stardom.

The Hens survived two busy weeks of shows, rehearsals, visits from the Hens on Ice cocks of the walk, and presentations for understudy roles of various animals and poultry. I questioned if I could pull off the roles of Rubber Duckie or lead asparagus, but after nights of practice and watching National Geographic documentaries, I was ready. Hopefully now I'll have less mornings waking up in an anxious sweat, muttering Rubber Duckie's lines to myself.