A Cluck of Silence

These costumes don't fit like they used to...

After high ambitions at the beginning of the new year, The Cackling Hen has now been in the coop far too long. I made a semi-private resolution that I would write the Hen more often, with fear that a public announcement could set me up for public failure to put my money where my beak is. But I also semi-privately resolved to finish anything I started. No more half-finished work and half-baked schemes cluttering my home and mind! But this combination of resolutions backfired - I just never started any more Hen columns.

Flicks This Chick Missed Part I

Every rose has its thorns and every hen has its flaws. Evidently this hen clucks when it comes to being hip to the silver screen. I frequently shock other poultry when they are talking about a movie "everyone has seen" and I'm the hen who hasn't. Let me apologize for having ADD and living below the poverty line. I barely have the focus and money for a bowl of ramen noodles, let alone watch something that may or may not be good for two hours. And that tub of popcorn is half my weekly income.

Oh, Travel Day Won't Bring Me Down

Hens on Ice entertains thousands of people each week with sparkling artichoke costumes and dance moves on blades. While I'm on this tour, my friends often express jealously of my alleged glamorous life on tour (please stop calling me a bitch on my Facebook wall - my mom's on there when she can turn on the computer). While it does feel glamorous to have a day off in the French Riviera or get paid to be a sparkly artichoke, that glamor doesn't last 24/7. Aside from not speaking French and sweating under that artichoke, one of the least ritzy moments for us hens is travel day, which happens at least once a week. There is nothing snazzy about bus travel.

Happy New Spears!

2011 has flown the coup, but not without leaving plenty of stray feathers by which to remember it. A new year comes with a chance to start fresh, make changes in our lives and resolutions we won't keep after January 7. I resolve to finish this post before that date.

Every year, there are countless events throughout the world that catch us by surprise and make us ponder our own existence and the finality of life on earth. The return of Britney Spears in full force after a short hiatus clearly made the most timeless impression, because I dare you to get the chorus of "I Wanna Go" out of your head. Now I wanna go too, wherever the hell it is.

Bienvenidos a France

My public school education in the US led me to believe that most everyone in the world speaks English, and if they don't, they SHOULD. My schools in Colorado, known for as much diversity as skim milk, offered language classes beginning in 7th grade. Spanish was the obviously cool and practical choice, growing up with the base of "margarita" and "chips and salsa." French was for the few smarty pants kids who wanted to feel different or superior, and the German class had 5 students in its prime since no one spoke German in the area. At least the French students could practice their French at The Melting Pot. Mmm, fondue!

Hens on Ice

It's comeback time for The Cackling Hen! I didn't shave my head or gain 30 pounds during this three-month hiatus, but I did join my first Hens on Ice tour. Being on the road and on the ice full time leaves far less time to write, let alone anything semi-clever, compared to working part time and living in my parents' house. The Hens on Ice world also makes a different kind of blog material. "I spent 12 hours in my skates and three hens fell awkwardly and we all cackled"  doesn't even make a paragraph.

I'll Hold that Scratch Against You

I'd love a sturdier case, J Lo

Compact discs used to be cutting edge (even though they're round). Today they are on their way to being dusty memorabilia like records, or possibly just rubbish like cassettes. iTunes has exploded while CD sections in stores continue to shrink. Regardless, I have been a vocal supporter of physical CDs. But if CDs are going to survive better than Rick Springfield cassettes, the production companies need to do something other than gripe at slumping sales.

That Pasta Bowl Does End

The commercials for Olive Garden's infamous "Never Ending Pasta Bowl" are back. Yet where are the news stories revealing that this is a bold-faced lie? Cackles aside, I'm hear to bear the truth: it ends.

As a naive college student, my friends and I used to frequent Olive Garden to take full advantage of this "never ending" deal. We saved up for weeks to try to get a few meals out of the $8.95 deal, and our digestive systems could then only process pasta after a few too many weeks on Ramen noodles.

But I Don't Want to Be an Angry Bird

The Cackling Hen will soon be blogging on the road, but no road is hospitable to my current word processor - a three-year-old laptop that's been through many surgeries. It is constantly hooked up to a noisy respirator (aka cooling fan since it's always hot and bothered) and I refuse to test the demanding function of folding down the screen. If it goes black again, I fear it will never come back.

I decided to research netbooks as an affordable, portable and down-right cute option to use the interwebs. I was happy to find that I could get the same storage capacity in a netbook as my current HP on life support for a fraction of the price. But just as I went to purchase the netbook I wanted, I learned netbooks are out. Fail.

Bird Overboard!

During the cold winter months (or month in Florida) we look ahead to the warm summer sunshine, summer vacations and an excuse to cook hot dogs on the grill once a week. Then summer comes and it's time to beat the heat in any way possible (aside from not grilling - there are hot dogs to cook!). Since air conditioning doesn't help a tan and Snooki's orange skin reminds us the risks of tanning beds, one vacation option seems perfect to punch this summer heat right in the face while enjoying it at the same time: a summer cruise!

All aboard The Hen's first cruise! It began the same way it ended - enjoying one of many buffets. Time to peck your money's worth out of every meal. But with unlimited dining 24/7 at sea, there's a fine line between pecking your money's worth and puking your money's worth - especially through a tropical storm. Thankfully everything seemed to stay down except some girls' skirts.