Bird Overboard!

During the cold winter months (or month in Florida) we look ahead to the warm summer sunshine, summer vacations and an excuse to cook hot dogs on the grill once a week. Then summer comes and it's time to beat the heat in any way possible (aside from not grilling - there are hot dogs to cook!). Since air conditioning doesn't help a tan and Snooki's orange skin reminds us the risks of tanning beds, one vacation option seems perfect to punch this summer heat right in the face while enjoying it at the same time: a summer cruise!

All aboard The Hen's first cruise! It began the same way it ended - enjoying one of many buffets. Time to peck your money's worth out of every meal. But with unlimited dining 24/7 at sea, there's a fine line between pecking your money's worth and puking your money's worth - especially through a tropical storm. Thankfully everything seemed to stay down except some girls' skirts.


Once aboard the ship it's time to explore all the ways one can have fun for nominal fees. Our cruise director, Jim, soon began announcing the various excursions for which we could sign up (and pay up) for every 15 minutes. After a day, he had a female voice double so he could tend to his rasping voice. (Jim's 2 a.m. cat calls at the bar didn't help him either) The announcements changed subtly each time so that only the sober would notice. No one seemed to notice.

"Welcome aboard the Bahamas Celebration! This is Jim, your cruise director, reminding you to stop by the excursions desk to plan an activity for when we arrive to Grand Bahama. There are lots of great excursions to choose from but space is limited, so stop by and reserve an activity before we arrive tomorrow!"


...30 minutes later...


"Welcome aboard the Bahamas Celebration! This is Jim, your cruise director, reminding you to stop by the excursions desk to plan an activity for when we arrive to Grand Bahama. There are lots of great excursions to choose from but spaces are limited.  There are 1,200 passengers on this ship, so stop by and reserve an activity before 6 p.m. to guarantee your spot!"


...Two hours later, in a female voice...

"Welcome aboard the Bahamas Celebration! This is Jim, your cruise director, reminding you to stop by the excursions desk immediately to plan an activity for when we arrive to Grand Bahama. We dock in the ship yards, 15 miles from any civilization, so planning an excursion is the only safe way to enjoy the Bahamas. If you don't purchase an excursion, do not plan to get off the ship. There are lots of great excursions to choose from but only a few spots remain open for our 2,000 passengers, so leave your room immediately to reserve an activity before your neighbor gets the last spot!"


I booked my excursion before dinner - a bus to the beachfront resort. Fear tactics work, although the shipyards did have some nice tire swings.

Dinner time! Vegetarians be warned - the server had no qualms warning hens they may be disappointed with the vegetarian dish. She also didn't warn that other servers would still offer veggie dieters hunks of Brazilian steakhouse meat.

But our server put on a brief comedy show in the form of tricking vegetarians to think there was meat in their cake half way through dessert. I must not have the same sense of humor they do in Ukraine, but I think her schtick has potential for touring beyond Rio's dining room. They could at least give her a chance in the nightly variety show - the magician would be better at clearing tables than entertaining anyway.

Thankfully there were no emergencies in the open water because the boat's flock of hens would've had no clue what to do. I had never been on a ship before (birds usually prefer air travel) so I assumed there'd be a brief safety spiel like with the airlines. There was one "mandatory" meeting the afternoon we boarded, but it was just Jim giving a slideshow presentation of the different excursions we could buy. At least my bed had a belt I could fasten across my lap. The only safety warning in the room said, "If you notice something unusual, such as smoke or someone fallen overboard, please yell, 'man overboard!' or notify someone.

Like all good things, the cruise came to an end (where it began - whew) and I noticed nothing unusual (according to the ship's definition, not my own). We said our farewells to new friends and then said hello again in the stationary line of 1,200 (or 2,000) hens trying to funnel through one ship exit. Two hours later, we bid farewell again and then pretended not to see each other again in the next two-hour line for customs. We could only laugh about people falling on the rocking dance floor for so long. Finally, I got my stern American welcome from the customs agent, who didn't check my bags, but did ask my profession. Clearly I didn't hold up the line - it must have been the 6-year-old girl trying to smuggle in a grasshopper she found in the customs line.

So this story will keep the same nature as the cruise itself - mostly fun with (hopefully) many laughs and a stern, sobering ending. But I won't waste your time by trying to introduce a grasshopper.