2013 - I Did Things

As a new year without a foreseen apocalypse approaches, people around the world are making lists of resolutions that they'll do until they become mildly inconvenient in mid-January. There are always the exceptions of resolutions that survive the winter and help change our lives for the better, but whatever the result, it's always good to have goals to better ourselves. If nothing else, we at least get a year older.

Last year, I was ambitious and inspired after our world didn't implode, so I made a list of resolutions for 2013.  Without a silly omen to worry about this year, I am less inspired to make a list of resolutions for 2014. But since last year's article was mildly popular, I thought I'd reflect on my ambitions for 2013 and see how successful I was. If I didn't fulfill them, I'll make note of something I did instead. I at least got out of bed 365 times and things happened.

• Write daily in my future best-selling novel. Well, this went poorly. I could count on one wing how many days I cracked open that novel file and wrote. But I know I wrote at least one new paragraph, if not two or three. I'm on track for a 2125 release date. It'll be worth the wait. But although I basically failed at this goal, I'm still hopeful for the book's future and completion. Instead, I wrote 40 Cackling Hen articles. How can I be expected to finish a book when there are so many cackles?

• Control my facial vomit. This didn't happen. Instead, I stopped caring. 

• Start a minor fitness routine. I have maintained the same weight throughout all of 2013, but that wasn't due to the minor fitness routine I hoped to start. I couldn't even get into a 7-minute workout for more than 3 consecutive days. But although sporadic, I do have a varying fitness routine. While with Hens on Ice, the many shows keep me in decent shape. Running around as an artichoke and cowboy is not easy! When I am on breaks from the show, I go to the gym occasionally, swim for 5-minute spurts, and dance like an idiot or Britney Spears whenever possible. Looking back at all that, I didn't start a minor fitness routine, I started a major fitness routine. Part of this 2013 fitness routine has been playing the role of Woody from Toy Story 3 in some of our Hens on Ice shows. That cowboy is manic, running and flying around trying to save the day. There are large boxes, cages, and a kite involved. I won't spoil the plot, but it leaves me one exhausted, wet, sometimes battered hen by the end of the show. But I'm happy to be able to portray the role of a prominent and popular character here and there, especially if it keeps me out of the gym.

• Keep political rants to a minimum. As I predicted, this was pretty easy to uphold without a presidential election. I'm proud of myself! The government shutdown ruffled my feathers, but it also brought the American citizens together to agree on how ridiculous our politicians are as a whole. United we bitch.

• Practicar español más. I'm sorry, I don't understand what this means. Instead, I traveled to many new countries where I didn't understand the language, such as Israel, Serbia, and Poland. Thank you for taking me to many new lands, 2013. I could have done without Evansville, Indiana, but that hate crime was worth it to make it to The Dead Sea later in the year.

Happy 2014 to my loyal readers! I hope the year is filled with resolutions that you don't do exactly, but you realize you did something else decent.