I Resolve Not to Listen to the Ancient Mayans Again

Last year, I avoided the subject of New Year's resolutions by writing a more worldly piece on Britney Spears. I resolved that if we survived the 2012 apocalypse, I'd make some New Year's resolutions. Thanks for the false prediction, Mayans, because now I need to come up with some resolutions. So here we go - The Cackling Hen's first (and maybe last) official set of New Year's resolutions!

Everyone will love it.

• Write daily in my future best-selling novel. Most of you don't know that I am working on a revealing "tell all" about an undisclosed sport that will sell millions of copies. But when I say "working on," that really means I started it last summer (okay, late spring!) with gusto and haven't written a thing in six months. Sure, it may be following the same pattern of my previous failed book attempts, but this one has the most promise. I'm hoping my writing is at least better now than in my unfinished novel I wrote in 8th grade about Cubans in America on the run. 

Well, Britney gets away with it...

• Control my facial vomit. It's better and cleaner than dealing with real vomit, but still something to address before I become too famous. Our brains are complex beasts and many thoughts should be kept to ourselves. But that doesn't work when I silently make a disgusted face at a friend or stranger. My internal reactions to strangers doing weird or terrible things in public too often become outward reactions with my contorted face. It's even worse when I say something before I think to stop myself. This isn't to say I want to become an emotionless drone, but if I just remind myself daily that people can always see my face and hear my spoken words, I'll have a little more public decorum for smart dinner parties. *Please note that "facial vomit" does not include cackling.

This sucks.

• Start a minor fitness routine. This is almost cliche, but read me out. I am not aiming to lose 50 pounds or become a body builder, but I would like to feel more physically capable again outside of doing Hens on Ice shows. Sure, I can perform an ice show like nobody's business (most days, with the occasional epic falls), but common daily motions like walking, getting out of chairs and lifting luggage now make me feel like a geriatric. And while the ice shows help keep me at a constant weight, skating in artichoke and fairy costumes doesn't sculpt ab muscles or build biceps. Sure, sculpted abs and hearty wings won't help me get out of chairs or walk up stairs, but at least I'll look good while I hobble. 

• Keep political rants to a minimum. The next presidential election is about 4 years away, so we have one solid year before Republicans and Democrats start shaking the rugs to wrangle up some presidential candidates for 2016. Now that we've sort of made it over the "fiscal cliff," or at least built part of a bridge over it, I should be good on this resolution until the next overused figurative term is chucked around.

• Practicar español más. Look, I started already. 

I have never really believed in New Year's resolutions since most of us don't keep them past January 10. If we want changes in our lives, we need to take action right away no matter what the date is. But as you can see, I have unresolved goals too, and hopefully the start of 2013 is enough to motivate me to  fulfill at least one of the resolutions...or dos. 


Keep reading! "2013 - I Did Things!"