New Miley Cyrus! The... the Bad and the Ugly

Miley Cyrus is back with new music! In spite of the criticism she gets, she's put out some catchy pop songs and I was eager to hear her latest. Sure, she's not Hannah Montana anymore, but that's fine with me. Pop stars always sound a little less like chipmunks when they get off the Disney Channel. Her last album, Can't Be Tamed, caught some flack for being too mature, too provocative, or too slutty for a girl her age. But now releasing the We Can't Stop single for Lord only knows what kind of album, it makes all of Can't Be Tamed seem tame enough for the preschool.

Normally I recommend watching the music video at hand if you haven't already, but I can't do that in good conscience. I'll put links to both the video and just the audio of the new song. I endorse listening to the audio quietly while reading this. Watch the video at your own risk.


First, the music video: Disclaimer: The Cackling Hen does not endorse watching this video, and is not responsible for any medical complications or future mental disorders as a result of this video. 

We Can't Stop - just the audio! (Recommended)

The G... I'm sorry, I can't write that word:

• Her voice is decent. 

• The song is kind of catchy if you never watch the video. 

• When it's over.

The Bad:

• Where can I begin with this disturbing and desperate music video? It looks like Miley Cyrus came up all sorts of random ideas that she thought would be funny and shocking, and nobody stopped her. Someone needed to stop her. I get it, it's another song about youthful rebellion, living life and partying, not caring about responsibility. It's been done before by almost everyone 20-year-old poptart as she transitions from a PG-rated, controlled starlet, to an independent woman and artist. But those music videos have typically had a shred of class, a shred of a message, or at least a choreographed dance step. We Can't Stop has none of it, and with every disturbing and asinine scene, I just wanted it to stop! She's trying way too hard to make a splash, but unfortunately it's the absolute worst kind of splash. It's when you're having a fun and lovely pool party, then your uninvited, loud, obese, hairy uncle does a cannonball into the pool, landing on a child, bloodying the kid's nose, popping a pool float, and sending half of the pool's water careening over the edge, leaving a wading puddle, a crying friend, and your uncle just standing there, wondering why everyone seems bothered. It's that kind of splash, and I'm bothered.

• The team who worked on this music video should be fired from the industry. A music video should show some artistry and compliment a song. Sometimes, a good music video tells a story line. This video does none of that. It's Miley Cyrus running amok, showing off how many shock tactics and odd visuals she can get away with in one video. It's made to appear that Miley had full reign on this video, and whether or not she actually did, it's horrible and an insult to what a music video can be.

• Why is VEVO advertising this terrible video on other music videos? If The Cackling Hen doesn't endorse it, no self-respecting brand should endorse it either.

• That stupid 80s graphic of a white mask mouthing the random baratone voice. 

I don't want to see where this is going.

• Miley twerking. 

• Any scene involving eating money.

• Miley sticking her ass in our faces like a porn star far too often.

• The girls dancing with giant bears on their backs. Stupid.

• Eating a pile of white bread like a bowl of chips.

• Miley wearing a shirt that says "Dope" and no pants. 

The Ugly:

• Miley's hair. She's a naturally cute girl, and it's a naturally ugly hairstyle.

• The amount of time she has her tongue out angrily in this video. We get it - you're rebelling, now put your tongue back in your mouth and close your legs.

Close that.

• The girl pretending to cut off her fingers, then oozing pink liquid. Ew.

• Miley with grillz or any form of bling.

• Miley giving tongue to a plastic doll.

• Eating hot dogs that fell out of a piñata. Gross.

• That last scene! A black winter cap with some sort of black veil, blinged out, tongue out, sitting next to another angry bitch glaring at the camera. I really dislike them far more than I should for personas in a music video.

Ew.

That's a doll.

I can't say enough bad things about this video. Am I now that much older than the upcoming generation of youth? Is this the direction music videos are going? Is this the direction I'm going - just shy of talking about "things in my day" and shaking my cane at the neighborhood kids on my porch? Only time will tell.

Want more of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? Check out Cher's latest! It (probably) won't make you cringe.