Double the Decaf

I don't follow.

There are two different kinds of things I do not understand. There are those things that we don't know, but we can learn after a chat with our friends and family, turning on the TV or searching trusted online sources, like Wikipedia and Google. Then there are those things I've accepted I will never understand, such as why a Big Bird killer is in the running for president and why decaffeinated coffee exists. Since my absentee ballot for Big Bird is in the mail, I'll peck decaf.

I just want to wake up.

In my life with Hens on Ice, my home is a different hotel room every week. Rooms come with perks like soap, toilet paper and coffee makers. Here in Augusta, Georgia, my roommate and I lucked out with one of the few rooms with a private balcony overlooking the pool and parking lot. We planned to start the day on the balcony in our rocking chairs,  sipping some fresh coffee. But that plan was quickly derailed in the sleepy haze of 1 p.m. when I saw we had 2 packs of decaf and no regular coffee. Sure, we had our own balcony and some of our friends had no power and closet-sized bedrooms, but the decaf situation was far more jarring than a dark room. I can't enjoy the balcony if my eyes aren't open.

Sadly, this was not the first hotel room that offered us double decaf coffee in lieu of regular. Insulting! If the hotel is out of regular coffee, just take my coffee maker out of the room. Some people may argue that they just like the flavor of coffee but don't want the caffeine. But hotel coffee isn't known for its brand-name rich flavor and that powdered creamer is only going to make things worse. Bars don't run out of beer, and in the rare cases that they do, no bartender is going to try to pass off an O' Doul's as something anyone would drink.

Allow me to smash this over your head.

So just like people want to get drunk off their beers, they want to take up from their coffee. Decaf is insulting and embarrassing. Where do we draw the line - caffeine-free Red Bull?