October 25, 2014

I'm a Resident Loon

Apparently it's been nice out.
Life was pretty rough when I missed the One Direction concert. Life got really rough when mother goose made a wrong turn and landed in the hospital's intensive care unit. With her status questionable, I flapped my wings as fast as I could to Tampa General. Mom had always watched "General Hospital," but this was too much.

I've spent the daylight hours of every day for over 2 weeks in the hospital. I'm not here to dwell on mother goose's health troubles nor the emotional toil of partially living in a hospital ICU. I'll keep that bottled up until I lash out inappropriately on Thanksgiving. They say laughter is the best medicine (no one told the surgeon that), so we'll take all the medicine we can get.

Reasons I know I've spent too much time in the hospital:

  • I've experienced two grand openings of remodeled parts of the hospital. There are now a brand new cafeteria and main entrance opened and in use since I first flapped in the doors. Yes, it's kind of exciting and makes life at the hospital a little nicer, but a hospital is not a place where I want to spend so much time that I see physical changes to the structure. 

This cafeteria is grand.

  • I've given hospital staff directions. The place is a huge labyrinth of wing upon wing upon mirror maze. It took a few days to weave my way to mom's room without reading the signs at every corner or fainting. I now fly to her room with confidence, annoyed with any slow bird blocking my way and reading the signs. Mom has even switched floors and rooms, but now I have the floor plan memorized.
  • I feel like mom's team of doctors and nurses are now actual friends. Now that I feel the medical team isn't hiding a coffin with every visit, we've gradually been bonding over our time with mom. We all want mom to get healthy, and they actually know how to fix her. We're now on a first name basis, I know each of their roles, and I actually enjoy seeing them. Everyone's smiles get warmer with each day. They've seen pictures of me as a hen on ice. I legitimately want to be their friend and I'll probably miss them. 

I swear we're friends.

      Wow, I really have lost it.

Why, just why?
  • I know the entire daytime TV schedule for multiple channels. If I had any sanity left, it went out the window during my second time watching "The Wendy Williams Show." (Channel 13, Monday through Friday, 11 a.m.)  
  • I'm quickly learning strategies for each level of Farm Heroes Saga. 50 levels passed and counting, lining up chickens and strawberries.
  • I'm now a medical student. I know what "extubate," "blood cultures," and "cath lab" mean. I can monitor and interpret all vital sign numbers. I know what code blue, code red, code purple, and code grey mean. What have you been doing?*

In spite of the cackles at my expense as my sanity trickles away, I wouldn't wish anyone to spend much time in a hospital, especially my mother. Stay healthy and be kind to one another, coop.

*Question not intended for medical students or anyone with scientific knowledge. 


  1. You and your dad a are couple of good eggs. This chick would have been squawking about spending all that time in the hospital, especially the ICU. My husband was a physician and I'm an RN. We avoid hospitals as much as we can. My hat is off to you for hanging in there. This is a very funny piece in a serious situation about how crazy it gets, the feelings one has and the thoughts that go through your head. You hit the nail on the head.