May 16, 2014

Dear Hen, My Boyfriend Loves One Direction!

My hen friend Kim turns to The Cackling Hen when she needs advice. First, she came to me when she was clueless about Twitter. She may not be a professional yet, but The Hen's Guide to Twitter at least taught her the definition of a hashtag. Unfortunately for her but fortunately for us, Kim has returned to this bird for advice, and I'll be helping her publicly in this article. Move over, "Dear Abby!"

Lim in action!
This time, Kim, who we'll call "Lim," comes to The Hen seeking relationship advice. While I know "Lim" is a great bird, her boyfriend recently is questioning how awesome she truly is. Her boyfriend, who we'll call "Bandrew," is also a huge One Direction fan. Because One Direction is so good, this has put a strain on their relationship, and he's threatened to love the band more than her if she doesn't get "more awesome." While Bandrew's standards are unreasonably high comparing anyone to One Direction, fret no more, Lim! The Cackling Hen has a guide for you!

How to Improve Your Relationship Through Channeling One Direction:

  • Try a new accent. British is your best bet, but if that's not going well, try French, Boston, or Southern. Who wants to date someone who sounds like his own voice?

  • Every time you see your boyfriend, be with 4 of your friends who are just like you. There is more than one member of One Direction; there are 5. While this will be fun for everyone involved, there may also be moments in your relationship where it's awkward or inappropriate for the 6 of you to be together. Use your best judgement. Good luck.

5 heads are better than 1.

Extreme Home Makeover
  • Go for the Harry Styles haircut. It's androgynous, so you can't go wrong. 

  • Sing, sing, SING! One Direction made it on their singing talents and so can you. Don't just talk; sing whenever possible instead! Sing especially when you're angsty or heartbroken. And when you're not singing your own thoughts, obviously sing One Direction songs. Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus songs are good too. Do not sing "Hello Kitty" or anything by The Wanted.

  • Kick any ball you see. British boys love their "football," and so should you. Any rolling object - just kick it around! If your boyfriend likes football/soccer, kick a ball around with him. If he doesn't, he must just like guys who like kicking balls. Keep kicking. 

Be careful.

  • Make music videos. These should probably be to One Direction songs, so you can pretend you are One Direction. You'll be famous in your relationship and on the Internet.

  • Find the best picture of yourself and have it printed into the largest poster possible, with "One Direction" also printed in big, bold letters. Put it in your bedroom if you live together, or in his bedroom if you don't. Soon, he'll equate you with One Direction, whether he realizes it or not.

  • Take your singing to the road - create a tour! No one's going to pay you, but you should still sing in any public place possible. Start small: try the library, bus stop, or animal shelter. When you outgrow those venues, take your show to parks, restaurants, and bowling alleys. Adding some local stardom to your awesomeness will give you the whole package. 

If none of this helps, your boyfriend probably wants to date a young, famous, talented man. Best wishes.

Want more advice? Check out Britney Spears's solid advice!

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