Weird Things In My Coop Part I

Who the hell are you?

The Hens of Ice tour may be finished, but The Cackling Hen never stops flapping its wings. Since returning home, I've been busy getting lost going to the dentist and avoiding unpacking. I at least had the perfect excuse not to unpack - there was physically no space in my room (or the guest bedroom) for my two suitcases of life. Who's been living here while I've been away?! But as fun as it was last night to need a running start to jump over the piles of crap barricading my bed, I vowed it would be the last night I got a mild concussion before sleeping (what looked like a bed turned out to be a desk). It's time for serious spring cleaning, reorganizing, decluttering and donating in this Florida coup!

Maybe it's the fact that I've never cleaned in the spring before, or maybe it's the pot of coffee I drank all day, but I'm buzzed about this spring cleaning and the eventual result of peaceful, spacious living. I don't think spring cleaning will lose the noisy roommates or cats, but one step at a time. And in the midst of scouring every corner of my coup, I've found some bizarre things I forgot I owned, don't need in my coup, or both.


Weird things in my coup:

1. A yodeling pickle. This was a fun gag gift a few years ago. Since its 15 minutes of fun and weirdness, it hasn't been tucked away in a drawer on box, it's been sitting prominently on my bookshelf. Why? It's in the same vicinity as my cherished trinkets from foreign lands. While the plastic dill was probably made in China, it's got to go. Each time I've accidentally bumped it today, that 30-second yodel has gone from slightly obnoxious to making my ears bleed.

More appropriate for her.

2. A giant teddy bear wearing a pink dress. This toy has been with us as long as I can remember. It's been with us so long, I can't remember its origin or significance. For much of my childhood, I
remember the lady bear sitting on a baby rocking chair in a corner of the basement. When my parents moved to Florida, my mom put it in my room. I moved it to the guest room a few times, since the dress goes better with the Grandma vibe in there, but lady bear keeps finding its way back to my room. I may have other weird things in my room that I voluntarily placed, but at the end of the day, I'm a 27-year-old male and I do not want a giant teddy bear in a dress in my room. It clashes with the South African art and the One Direction poster.

3. Melted remnants of a resistance band. One perk of dislocating my shoulder was getting an elastic resistance band so I could practice my painful rehab exercises at home. I figured I could use it to rehabilitate any future injury or just to keep myself toned. Four years later, I found that thing at the bottom of a drawer, melted into an awkward, brittle lump, partially stuck to the drawer and magazines. When in the past four years has this drawer been so hot to melt elastic? The drawer has never been out of a home for more than an hour drive. Now I'm scanning my room for hidden heat vents or hot springs. I no longer own a functioning resistance band.

Happy Father's Day

4. A five-foot tall inflatable alien. I went to Roswell, New Mexico when I was 13 and bought a reasonably-sized blue inflatable alien. I liked him so much, I named him Seth and practiced pair skating moves in the living room, since I would only ever have the strength to lift a partner the weight of air. I liked Seth so much I bought him friends anytime I encountered venders selling inflatable aliens. It was cute when I found a little alien to be like Seth's baby. But there was nothing cute about the human-sized alien I bought next. Who was this, Seth's gigantor father? It towered uncomfortably over Seth, baby Seth, and one of my high school friends. He made the background of my Spanish class video project more entertaining, but he scared the cat and the neighbors. After being stored and deflated in my room for 2 to 10 years, I found a never-ending coil of green plastic in the closet. The gigantor is going in the garage until Halloween or Father's Day.

5. A life-sized cardboard cut out of a One Direction member. This actually was a lovely and generous gift from Antoinette Hempel-Bakker, one of The Cackling Hen's biggest fans. I voluntarily put it in my room today and I cherish it, but I still recognize the fact that it's weird.

I need a bigger room.

Keep reading! "Weird Things In My Coup Part II."