Back on the Icy Road

Hidalgo's Statue of Liberty

The hens are back on the ice. We won't be touring any of Europe or Mars, but we will be taking our show to many of America's cultural hot spots, such as Tupelo, Mississippi and Hidalgo, Texas. We just don't have the time for New York or L.A.

During last year's European tour, we had to adapt to European culture and coups. We learned some of the native language - British English - and we squished our feathers and seeds into the "cozy" confines built for hens a foot shorter than ourselves. We will now be touring North America, and although we just began the rehearsals, we are readapting to American life. Here are a few things these hens will need to get used to again.


1. Everything is bigger in the USA. Two double beds for two people? Outrageous. And our luggage fits. No more "feng shui'" such as moving the two twin beds dorm style so our luggage can fill in the floor space. No more wheels on the beds either, so I won't roll into Sasha Hen's bed after a wild night's sleep. Good morning!

What room did your luggage get?

The elevators are also oversized. How big are Americans these days? How many show hens can fit in these - 10? We'll probably gain some weight without our Euro exercise of cramming two suitcases into the elevator and sending them up alone, hoping to beat them to our floors by running up the stairs. That was a rush that I'll miss, trying to get them before any maintenance men could paw through them.

2. Where are the accents? You all sound too much like me for me to be on tour. Where's the smirk at my American accent or blank stare when I try to speak your language poorly?

3. I can keep up with the Kardashians. But for the love of God, please don't make me. I can't even keep up with the steps in the show.

4. I never knew how "polite" Americans are until I spent an extended time away. Sure, many of these "manners" are beaten into us by our parents or corporate bosses. And sure, that "How are you?" and "Have a nice day." may be 100% contrived, but they're polite gestures, nonetheless. Extra "please" and "thank you" never (physically) hurt anyone.

5. What's that noise?! Oh, it's my cell phone. Apparently I have service. I'm connected again, getting texts like "Hi" from mom and calls from robots telling me to vote for Mitt Romney. Maybe I'll put it in airplane mode.

Why won't Mitt call me?

Keep reading! I had to bid farewell to years of luxury.