August 30, 2012

A Million Dollar Beak

Whitestrip or pregnancy test?
After years of debate, I have given in to a life-changing product in hopes to fly from my modest, middle class status to a slightly less modest, middle class status. I bought a pack of Crest Whitestrips to add some new shine to my beak.

Many of my hen friends have used Whitestrips and have had successful results. I've hemmed and hawed - is it worth the $20? Do I have $20? Will it work? Am I giving in to a superficial society? Is it a tax write off? Where are my keys? But rooming with Sasha Hen, who uses them and has an especially white beak, I went for it. And if I had any problems, she could help me.

As I wear my third set, I've learned life doesn't just go on normally while I whiten my beak. In the commercials, hens are out with friends, at work or shopping at malls while wearing these whitening strips. But I quickly learned these activities shouldn't be done with the strips on, unless I want to feel awkward and be treated the same.

Things made difficult while waiting for a white beak:

1. Talking. How is anyone conversing with these things on in the commercials? I have a lisp, I'm drooling on myself and I'm trying not to move my mouth so the strips don't slide around.

2. Laughing. No. One laugh and the clear strips went flying out of my mouth. I then started pawing around my white bedspread for the clear strips. At least needles and haystacks are different colors.

3. Drinking. I don't know what's on the strips and I don't want to know. My saliva tastes slightly like nail polish remover and I don't know if I'm getting a headache or getting high. I thought I might be able to enjoy clear beverages like water or vodka while the strips were on, but one swig would surely send the toxin strips into my stomach. Maybe the vodka would dissolve them.

4. Relaxing. I envisioned this to be a relaxing, before-bed activity. But I'm spending a half hour trying not to move my head, move my beak, swallow or breathe. Since I have to do these things to live, I get up every five minutes and check the strips in the mirror, adjusting them slightly. So I can't relax, but I am getting exercise.

5. Exercising. The more I move anything, the more the strips could move. After my first set, I moved my bed against the mirror so I could stare at my beak for the 30 minutes. We now have to crawl over my bed to get to the bathroom, but now I can stay still and watch myself slowly transform into a beauty like those on the TV.

I love my white beak.

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