July 23, 2018

Life's a Picnic.

My South Philly dream.
I have unintentionally become a regular of South Philadelphia. But until I get my own TV sitcom like The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, I'll continue writing my sporadic humor blog. Every time I'm in Philly for an overnight layover, I have grand aspirations to go downtown and run on the infamous steps
where Rocky was filmed. But then I remember I hate stairs, running, and heat; and I also have to work a red eye flight. So all these factors keep me within stumbling distance of our mediocre hotel in South Philly.

Today's Philly layover started with the same range of emotions: excitement to go downtown, disappointment that I justified not going downtown, and excitement again to make the best of my humble day in Essington, PA. With the sun shining and the prospect of a new day, I flapped to the Wawa to get a cheap picnic lunch for the nearby park on the river. This park is my go-to spot for this layover, and I pictured myself staying for hours, enjoying my lunch, writing chapters of my novel, and conquering the world's problems. 

Day in the park.
I fluttered into the perfect spot to settle for hours and started enjoying my picnic lunch. However, my enjoyment was short-lived once some other birds eyed me and my lunch. Now, most birds are hen friends, but these aggressive crows and geese were not! I looked into their hungry eyes and saw right through their charade. These bully birds were just after my lunch, not my friendship. I scarfed down my sandwich as the crows cawed and infiltrated my personal space. One brazen crow hopped next to me as I took my last bite. I clapped my wings together to shoo him away, losing my napkins to the clap and a wind gust in the process. I jumped up and flew to gather the stray napkins, as well as some other litter to do a good deed for the day. But I couldn't collect too much trash, as the evil crows continued to infiltrate my area. 

I picked up my bag and my empty coffee cup that I'd recycle later and moved to a more photogenic spot. I squatted in the grass to get the right angle for Instagram, trying to crop out the mucky coast of the river, the construction fencing, and litter. I hadn't taken a single photo before a nasty crow stole the coffee cup from my side. I shrieked and yelled at this devil bird until he dropped it. I accepted that the day wouldn't be an Instagram day, and I gathered my bag and coffee cup to move to my third spot of the hour. At this point, a flock of geese began honking and following me, chasing after my stupid coffee cup I should have just thrown in the trash can. 

At my new picnic table, I stared down the geese until they slowly waddled away. Crows were still in the vicinity. I took a deep breath and tried to unruffle my feathers so I could get back to my novel and world problem solving. Before I could open my bag, a large bee landed on my headphones and settled onto the white wire like it was a flower. I fluttered off the bench and waited for this stupid bee to figure out its flower was an Apple product. The bee finally buzzed away and I sat back down. Annoyed, I reached for my phone to vent to a friend about all these stupid park animals ruining my
Bird arrest
day. As I started to write, 2 policemen arrived to the park and eyed me. WHAT THE HELL WAS HAPPENING AND WHY WERE THE COPS HERE AT THIS EMPTY PARK ON A WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON? The only thing that would have salvaged the day would have been for the cops to arrest ever single crow and goose in the park. They didn't. 

I waited to try and see why the cops came to the park and started scratching my wings. During all this, some sort of bug decided to attack me. Livid, I accepted this was not the nice afternoon in the park I'd imagined. I grabbed my bag, which I never once opened, along with my stupid coffee cup I wanted to chuck into the river, and I flapped back to the safety of my hotel room. 

I'm done with nature in South Philly. Next time, I'm going to the casino.

KEEP READING! "A Scrappy Arrival."
Changing the World One Trash Can at a Time!
Reunited with Questions.

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