May 4, 2012

Home with a Bieber Fever

Much of the world has caught a terrible disease - Bieber Fever. Thankfully my vaccination is still holding strong. Here's why he and his disease bother me:

Who's the 3rd clown?
1. Bieber's new song, "Boyfriend." There's no escaping hearing new Bieber songs, and I was even slightly curious. I thought maybe he's growing as an artist and a boy. While he may have grown a few inches, his only growth as an "artist" is sounding identical to Justin Timberlake when he went solo. I even had to question if Timberlake was featured in the song. He's not - just some blatant copycat-ing. Bieber, just because you share the same first name doesn't mean you're Justin Timberlake. Talk to me when you're over 18. (Wait, he's now 18? Okay, don't talk to me.) He even was brazen enough to attempt that Timberlake signature falsetto. On the plus size, his voice finally changed (or they gave a heavy dose of auto tune), but now there is nothing distinct about his voice or the song. If he hadn't already infected us with Bieber Fever, it wouldn't stand out enough to do anything but be a one hit wonder. Too bad, our medical bills have all skyrocketed.

Someone help her.
2. Bieber's old song, "Baby." Britney Spears may sing "baby" in a hell of a lot of songs... okay, every song, but even she knows better than to just repeat it as a chorus. It still apparently worked for Bieber (don't ask me how or why), but Ms. Spears keeps her musical standards high(er...).

Okay, Britney did have those tracks "Ooh Ooh Baby" and "My Baby," but "Ooh Ooh Baby" is actually good and "My Baby" is buried at the end of the Circus album so no one has to hear it.

That Bieber chorus makes me want to rip my ears out. "And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh. Like baby, baby, baby, no..." This garbage repeats until I'm at least singing along with the "No"s (make it stop!). Give me some angsty boy band lyrics any day. At least their voices are done changing. Bieber just sounds like a whiny, well... baby.

Get a trim or a less aggressive pillow.
3. That hair! Woof. How did he ever skyrocket to such stardom with that atrocious mop cut? Thankfully he at least has stylish hair now, but that original "do" that got him so much attention needed to go straight to the dog groomers! People (12-year-old girls) became so obsessed with that moppy hair style that it was a big news event when Bieber got a normal haircut. It was news in every media outlet. We now know he indeed has ears like the rest of us. C'mon, American media outlets, you're killing me.

4. You are not gangster or even bad ass. Bieber clearly has a confidence about him nowadays the way he takes the stage and clings to Selena Gomez. But just because he is now worth millions of dollars and the heart throb of tween girls does not make him any less of a super produced, white boy teen pop star. He has no business trying to imitate rappers in any way, even if they are featured on his songs. Ludacris clearly just needed a paycheck. Pull up your pants, fix your hat and check your cockiness at the door, Bieber.

5. That girl who claimed Bieber was the father of her child. Bitch, take a biology course. Children can't father children.

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